She doesn’t get nekkid in this one either. Playboy Playmate and original "Baywatch" babe Erika Eleniak made TWO movies with B(reast)-auteur Jim Wynorski without showing much skin at all. Maybe THAT’s why he used his Jay Andrews pseudonym in the credits for both. He was ashamed! The least Jimbo could have done is have her pop out of another giant cake. Both Stealth Fighter and Final Voyage (1999, 95 minutes) costar THE hardest working actor in genre films today — Ice-T. But the REAL star of this flick is the lovely Claudia Christian as a guns ‘n’ leather terrorist.
The movie: Bodyguard Aaron Carpenter (Dylan Walsh) has been assigned to protect the buxom, blonde daughter of a billionaire. He’s hoping it goes better than his last gig, when he nearly gave his elderly client a coronary while foiling a hijacking attempt. Gloria (Eleniak) has a much stronger ticker, as she likes to do loop d’loops in her plane while making bedroom eyes at Aaron. The two embark on a voyage aboard a restored cruise ship, and just when thinks might start to get cozy, Ice-T shows up with his goons and goonette Max (Christian). They want to loot the ship’s vault, that’s stuffed with all the rich passenger’s loot, but can’t seem to execute the plan, even with a full team of paratroopers. Ice looks damn slick in his duds, though, and seems to know what he’s doing when ordering folks around. Still, where’s the money? Naturally, Aaron decides to start whuppin’ terrorist hiney, yet for some reason decides it’s a keen idea to drag a jiggling Gloria along in her cocktail dress and heels. And uh-oh! The Britannic just sprung a leak. Drive-In Mutants will remember Aaron’s love interest Teri (Heidi Schanz) from her steamy romp in Body Language. Also, look for Dinosaur Island star Richard Gabai as, ahem, a seamen.
Notables: No breasts. 31 dead bodies. Airborne gun battle. Fire extinguisher to the gut. Fist fighting. Death by steam cleaning. Multiple explosions. Low-rent CGI effects. Cleaver to the cranium. Flying frogmen.
Quotables: The gay flight attendant tells an aging screen siren (Terry Moore) what’s wrong with modern movies, "Now days it’s just BANG! BANG! ACTION! ACTION! ACTION!" (In two words: This movie.) Catty Teri on Max’s wardrobe, "I like her outfit. There’s something about silicone and leather, don’t you think?" Ice-T’s big scene, "Hello ladies and gentleman, I’ll be taking over the emcee responsibilities for a little while. The individuals you see around you with the weapons are my associates and we will be your terrorists for this evening. Please allow me to apologize in advance — I don’t have any prophetic quotes from Nietzsche, or any glib repartee to share with you. Nor do I care to placate you with stupid jargon like, ‘Just do what we say, and you’ll be OK.’ To tell you the truth, I could care less if any of you make it off here alive." And Jasper is full of comic relief, "I know this ship like a dog knows a fire hydrant."
Time codes: Skinemax queen Nikki Fritz as a CLOTHED stewardess (4:25). Erika joins the picture (10:23). Blonde bimbo in red lingerie wants to be "schmoozed" (22:30). "Hey! What kinda explosives are these again?" (28:46). Claudia’s stunt breast nearly falls out (41:04). Cheesy FX Alert: Cocktail pulled along bar with fishing line (1:24:40).