God don’t make trash, but Peter and Paul Lalonde have taken several shots at it themselves. Most recently, they pulled a fast one on everyone involved with Left Behind: The Movie by releasing the Bible-based doomsday thriller on home video several weeks before its anemic theatrical release. Still, given its modest budget, the movie HAS pocketed a tidy profit and further proved there’s a veracious market for faith-based flicks — no matter how LOUSY they are. The Brothers Lalonde have long exploited that fact with a series of End Times-obsessed flicks: Apocalypse, Revelation and Tribulation. Each harping the same tired tune, but with escalating budgets and in turn, luring Hollywood’s finest. Cinematic titans like Carol Alt, Gary Busey and Howie Mandel. In spite of such nonsense, they somehow got it RIGHT with the fourth installment of their Apocalypse series — Judgment (2001, 102 minutes).
The movie: The Phony Roma Downey (a.k.a. Leigh Lewis) returns as Helen Hannah even after losing her head — literally — during the thrilling climax of the previous flick. She wakes from her nightmare, finding herself still very much in the clutches of not-so-niceness. Seems the Anti-Christ, ahem, Franco Macalousso (Nick Mancuso) wants to put the poor girl on trial for her crimes against humanity. Namely watching too many episodes of "Touched By An Angel" and royally raining on MacaLucifer’s parade by refusing to take "the mark" and join the rest of One Nation Earth in world bliss — eternal damnation be, well, damned. Thus, a courtroom drama is born. In Helen’s corner, Mitch Kendrick (Corbin Bernsen) the cynical son of a preacher man who initially has zero patience for his weepy-zealot client. For the prosecution, Christian-exploitation’s answer to Meg Foster, blue-eyed vixen Jessica Steen as Victoria Thorne who never ever spent a nanosecond in Vacation Bible School. And because it’s really hard to work explosions into the courtroom, the Brothers Lalonde tacked on a sub-plot about Helen’s hand-wringing comrades watching the trail on the tube, while Mr. T threatens to go down to the courthouse and lay down a righteous hiney whuppin — "A-Team" style. While few actors command the screen like the incomparable Mr. T, Mr. B comes very close with a truly inspired and moving performance that elevates the entire movie. There’s an honesty that comes through, as though he’s wrestling with the same root questions his character must face — er, wait, wrong audience. CineSchlockers who brush their teeth 666 times each day undoubtedly saw Mr. Bernsen as the homicidal maniac who don’t need no stinkin’ novocaine in The Dentist and Dentist 2: Brace Yourself.
Notables: No breasts. Six corpses. THE Beast. Wriggling maggots. Boozing. Stainless steel guillotine. Gratuitous flashback sequences. Church burning. Exploding grenade. Attempted assassination.
Quotables: Mr. T wants to defend the faith — with his fists, "God helps those who help themselves! They’re already calling us terrorists — I say it’s time we do something about it!!! …. If they want fire and brimstone, they’re gonna get it!!! … If those 666ers are set on going to hell, I say, why can’t we help send them there!!?" The Anti-Christ loves it when a plan comes together, especially before press time, "I shall cherish this moment for eternity. God found guilty for His crimes against His creation, by His creation. Alert the media!" Please, counselor, tell the court how you REALLY feel, "Your God is either a coward, or a fraud, or maybe just a good bedtime story."
Time codes: Closeup of the Mark of the Beast (7:18). Helen’s colorful brother saw Carrie one too many times (42:35). Security guards peep into ladies locker room (47:00). The impromptu music video portion of the flick (1:04:20).
Final thought: Somewhere amid the Revelations lore are intriguing, even thought-provoking, moments of honest debate about the whys of religious faith. That, and those Lalonde boys SURE know how to blow stuff up.