Oh, the pain. The pain! Lost in Space is among my all-time favorite TV shows and all I can do is sit here gap-jawed and stare at my keyboard. In fact, this exercise in mouth-breathing is in itself an achievement, as I’ve dodged even doing THAT for nigh on FOUR MONTHS now! Why Santa Kleinman’s entrusted me to review the third season after so bungling the heralding of the second is either a testament to his super-human patience or the fact he just can’t bear listening to a 32-year-old man sob like a broken-hearted little girl. Here, lemme let it out …
Ah, that’s better. Truth is, I’ve done my homework. Watched every episode. Dutifully took notes. Now it’s time to craft artful prose about what I’ve beheld and I’m stumped. (Some would argue I’ve ALWAYS been stumped in that regard.) So, here goes, I’m just gonna barrel through this "writer’s block" hooey with what may well be the World’s Worst Lost in Space Review. Just remember, it comes from the heart.
Eight greats
Because Season One didn’t quite fly off the shelves like they’d hoped, Fox altered its marketing strategy by splitting the season down the middle, hoping a lower "price point" would move a few more units. Fine by me. Frankly, it’s made digesting the 30-episode season a mite easier thanks to staggered release dates. (Not that yours truly really took advantage of that by getting CineSchlockers a timely review! Sigh.) Today being an era of 13-episode huzzahs, T-H-I-R-T-Y is no doubt an intimidating figure, so to take the edge off, here’s four standout eps from each volume:
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The Deadly Games of Gamma 6 (Episode 8): A cosmic incarnation of the World Rasslin’ Federation drops in on the Space Family Robinson’s latest less-than-lonely point of planetery maroonment. Professor John Robinson (Guy Williams) refuses to put his dukes up, so Doctor Zachary "Tiger" Smith (Jonathan Harris) pirouettes into the ring for the silliest smackdown in memory! Although, one in which the fate of humanity hinges.
Curse of Cousin Smith (10): Major Don West (Mark Goddard) once called Dr. Smith "slipperier than a bucket of eels!" Reckon that must make Cousin Jeremiah Smith (Henry Jones) slipperier than TWO buckets of Anguilliformes. However, any hope of a heartfelt reunion is dashed when their family feud inexplicably goes intergalactic.
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West of Mars (11): Named among Mr. Harris’ all-time favorite episodes, his duel roles as Smith and a gun-slinging roustabout are an absolute hoot in this wacky western. (An obligatory entry in many a TV series, what with all those perfectly good saloon sets gathering dust!) That’s Sam the Butcher of The Brady Bunch as a "Space Enforcer" who’s not too amused with mistaken-identity plot twists.
The Golden Man (15): Been pretty Smith-centric thus far, so here’s a nod to doe-eyed Penny Robinson (Angela Cartwright) who’s arguably the show’s conscience. That’s a trait well showcased in this charming little morality tale about judging on appearances as Penny perilously befriends a hideous frog-faced fella at odds with a dashing dude who’s the spitting image of an Academy Award come to life. (And just as popular!)
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Treasure of the Lost Planet (23): Avast, ye mateys! It’s the return of Cap’n Tucker! Albert Salmi‘s space pirate was among the first season’s richest treasures and the same holds for this voyage. Fortunately for Tucker, young Will Robinson (Billy Mumy) is able to keep the captain honest when a talking skull-in-a-box bedevils all who encounter it with a consuming lust for, ahem, booty. Arrrrrrrrr-har-har!!!
The Colonists (25): In a cautionary allegory for Feminism Gone Wild, comely Francine York guests as the Noble Niolani of the Condor Nation of Female Warriors who enslaves the Robinson menfolk and attempts to brainwash the girls into wearing sinfully snug black fetishwear topped by an oddly-phalic headdress. Though any adolescent loin stirring that may’ve manifest in the spring of 1967 was no doubt confused by the appearance of Dr. Smith in a Roman Centurion getup. Oh dear!
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Trip Through the Robot (26): Faced by a deadly energy crisis, The Robot skedaddles rather than be recharged at the Robinsons’ peril. While his batteries drain, he’s somehow super-sized to the point he’d be a potential suitor for the Statue of Liberty! As Will and Smith valiantly wander his innards to correct the situation we also get a gander at EVERY PROP EVER USED ON ANY IRWIN ALLEN SERIES!!!
The Mechanical Men (28): This one has it all. Tiny, tin demolitionists determined to rule the galaxy. Plus, the time honored mind-body switcheroo, which yields Jonathan Harris robo-miming most of the episode and The Robot sounding much more "affected" than Dick Tufeld‘s baritone would previously allow. Never fear, Robo-Smith is here!
Dr. Smith vs. The Robot, Part II
Your truly’s continuing catalog of Dr. Smith’s alliterative insults:
| … blithering bumpkin! (1) … bumbling bird brain! (1) … bloated blimp! (2) … clumsy clump! (2) … cackling clod! (2) … deplorable dummy! (2) … lily-livered, lead-lined lummox! (2) … blittering booby! (2) … bubble-headed booby! (2) … addle-plated armor bearer! (2) … dehumanized lie dispenser! (2) … know-nothing numbskull! (3) … bulbous bumpkin! (3) … mechanical meddler! (3) … doddering dunderhead! (3) … incompetent idiot! (3) … Neanderthal ninny! (3) … pompous pip-squeak (3) … traitorous transistorized toad! (3) … tin-plated tyrant! (3) … bumbling bird brain! (4) … mechanical misery! (4) … ferrous Frankenstein! (4) … mechanical misfit! (4) … nervous ninny! (4) … disreputable dunce! (4) … arrogant automaton! (4) … monstrous monte bank! (4) … mechanical murderer! (4) … bumbling booby! (5) … cackling cacophony! (5) … cackling clod! (5) … traitorous tin tabulation! (5) … ludicrous lump! (5) … tarnished trumpet! (5) … sanctimonious scatterbrain! (5) … mental midget! (5) … inept idiot! (5) … cowardly clump! (5) … lugubrious lump! (6) … parsimonious puppet! (6) … disreputable dunderhead! (6) … tyrannical tin plate! (6) … ridiculous roustabout! (6) … cackling clod! (6) … tiresome thesaurus! (6) … gregarious gremlin! (6) … pedagogical pip-squeak! (7) … ignominious ignoramus! (7) … jangling junk heap! (7) … bellicose bumpkin! (7) … nervous ninny! (7) … cackling coo-coo! (7) … floundering flunky! (7) … ponderous plumber! (7) … foolish fop! (7) … simple Simon! (7) … defective detective! (7) … mechanical meddler! (7) … rolly-poly rowdy! (8) … mechanical monolith! (8) … ineffectual ineptitude! (8) … clumsy clod! (8) … despotic dunce! (8) … traitorous tin-plated fugitive from a junk yard! (8) … jabbering Judas! (8) … babbling bumpkin! (9) … garrulous gargoyle! (9) … meddling mental midget! (9) … transistorized tiger! (9) … bubble-headed booby! (9) … infamous informer! (10) … tin-plated traitor! (11) … bubble-head booby! (12) … metallic monstrosity! (12) … blithering booby! (12) … bumbling birdbrain! (12) … cowardly clump! (13) … Neanderthal ninny! (13) … bellicose bumpkin! (13) … lily-livered lump! (13) … babbling birdbrain! (13) … pusillanimous punkah! (14) … cantankerous cold-hearted clump! (14) |
… mental midget! (15) … jabbering Judas! (15) … cumbersome clod! (15) … silly sausage! (15) … automated oaf! (16) … computerized clod! (16) … cackling canister! (16) … ludicrous lump! (16) … bumbling birdbrain! (16) … clumsy clump! (16) … uncultured clump! (16) … lugubrious laggard! (16) … cowardly clump! (16) … ingot of ingratitude! (17) … cackling coward! (17) … addle-plated armor bearer! (18) … jabbering Jeremiah! (18) … dippy dunce! (18) … nattering ninny! (19) … lame-brained lump! (19) … simple Simon! (19) … bubble-headed booby! (19) … presumptuous pip-squeak! (19) … hardware hyena! (19) … sniggering cinder box! (19) … plasticized parrot! (20) … pusillanimous pinhead! (20) … bumbling bag of bolts! (20) … clumsy clod! (20) … bubble-headed booby! (20) … monstrous mechanized misguided moron! (20) … hopeless heap of tainted tin! (20) … astigmatic automaton! (20) … presumptuous popinjay! (21) … addle-plated armor bearer! (21) … bubble-headed booby! (21) … robust rock hound! (21) … blittering blatherskite! (22) … potbellied prankster! (22) … confused compass! (22) … mechanical misfit! (22) … cowardly clump! (22) … clumsy clod! (22) … bellicose bumpkin! (22) … deplorable dunderhead! (23) … clod-like collection of condensers! (23) … noxious ninny! (23) … demented diode! (23) … insipid ineptitude! (23) … over-cautious concoction! (23) … computerized clod! (24) … cowardly clump! (24) … silly sloth! (24) … nickering ninny! (24) … lead-lined lump! (24) … misshapen mummy! (25) … misguided mechanical misery! (25) … unctuous underling! (26) … pusillanimous pip-squeak! (26) … hypertensive hypochondriac! (26) … cumbersome clod! (26) … gigantic gargoyle! (26) … blithering booby! (26) … gargantuan goose! (26) … computerized clump! (26) … ludicrous lump! (27) … nickel-plated nincompoop! (27) … frightful fractious frump! (28) … computerized clod! (28) … pretentious popinjay! (28) … mental midget! (28) … hard-headed harbinger of violence! (28) … bubble-headed booby! (29) … tintinnabulating tin can! (29) … Neanderthal ninny! (29) … cowardly clump! (30) … clumsy clump! (30) … cackling clod! (30) … mechanical misfit! (30) … cautious clump! (30) … nervous ninny! (30) … primitive pile of pistons! (30) … cumbersome clod! (30) |
Final thought
Phew! Guess that wasn’t so tough. Now, in another umpteen months, it’s on to Season 3 and the schlock-o-riffic glory of The Great Vegetable Rebellion!