Steve Guttenberg. Bubba Smith. Bobcat Goldthwait. Ah, the Cops of Comedy. Hard to believe it’s indeed time for a 20th anniversary special edition of Police Academy — let alone a sequel-stuffed box set! As always, so YOU don’t have to, yours truly rides along for all SEVEN flicks …
In 1970, as a genre, the "institutional comedy" took an austere, savagely satirical bend with the big-screen exploits of Captains Pierce and McIntyre in M*A*S*H. Their small-screen counterparts continued to flout authority, though more palatably so thanks to a 10-year supply of rubber chickens. Flash forward to Animal House where the elder establishment foolishly threatens a tenacious group of collegians’ inalienable right to party hearty. Tisk. Tisk. Tisk. Silly geezers! But what’s the ultimate authority figure? The iron fist of government? That’s right, THE FUZZ! And what if their ranks were infused with the very misfits and miscreants they’re sworn to protect society from?
That’s precisely what happens when Mayor Mary Sue Beal drops every entrance requirement for the Metropolitan Police Academy. Hundreds of dubious volunteers converge and it’s up to Lt. Harris (G.W. Bailey) to weed out the undesirables through a rigorous regime of law enforcement training and a covert campaign of sinister shenanigans. Most hopefuls are undaunted. Then there’s a habitual system bucker like Mahoney (Guttenberg) who’s only there under threat of jail time and the promising prospect of canoodling with cadet cutie Kim Catrell. Naturally, like moth to flame, Harris becomes the prankified focus of Mahoney’s reasonably undivided attention. Well deserved for one whose motivational style favors barking at his heftiest cadet: "I COULD SHOW A MOVIE ON YOUR BUTT, FATSO!!!" Ten bucks says Harris’d choose Full Metal Jacket. Meanwhile George Gaynes plays "good cop" as Commandant Lassard. Both are inspired characterizations, but it’s Mr. Gaynes who, ahem, comes closest to comic legend as Lassard delivers an address whilst in receipt of a surprise pistol whipping beneath the podium. A very, very funny fella full of many, many delightfully silly bits.
But let us not overlook Mahoney’s core cohorts: Michael Winslow as "Jones" the human sound FX department, Bubba Smith as hulkin’ "Hightower," the late David Graf as gun crazed "Tackleberry" and whispering Marion Ramsey as "Hooks." All play profound roles in this time-honored story of inmates who rise up to run the asylum. More impressive, or perhaps disturbing depending on perspective, is that they manned the ’80s MOST rapid-fire film franchise! Can’t laugh that off.
10 breasts. No corpses. Leg humping. Accidental riot. Gratuitous shower scene (with ogling). Man-friendly mamboing. Implied feline de-treeing with extreme prejudice. Unfortunate "horseplay." Boogie-woogie hiney cam. Fireside frolicking. Rampant gunplay. Racial-slur induced car flip. Chief Hurst seems uneasy with change: "When I went through this academy, every cadet was the right weight, the right height, the right color and they all had JOHNSONS … every single one of them … JOHNSONS AS FAR AS THE EYE COULD SEE!!! "
The Sequels
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PA2: THEIR FIRST ASSIGNMENT (1 star, 1985): Who ya gonna call when Bobcat Goldthwait’s goons are wreaking woe and weirdness on the streets? Anybody but you know who! Trouble is, there’d be NO MOVIE otherwise, and in the case of this aimless retread, that might not have been such an awful alternative.
PA3: BACK IN TRAINING (2 stars, 1986): The subtitle could just as easily apply to the franchise itself which begins to rebound by returning to the hallowed and hijinks laden grounds of the academy. The blind truly lead the blind as Lassard’s team must mold a NEW cadre of misfits in their own image to ensure the alma moron‘s tenuous survival.
PA4: CITIZENS ON PATROL (2.5 stars, 1987): Comes closest to besting the original with three times the buffoonery on the beat — that’s Guttenberg’s gang, the second-gen likes of Goldthwait and a fresh gaggle of moonlight vigilantes. Returning to train the latter is G.W. Bailey’s inspired schemer after a frightful two-flick hiatus. And he’s got plenty to bark about with recruits such as sardonic skate poser David Spade (backed by Tony Hawk‘s stunt boarding). A steady stream of giggles winds to a climatic, gulp, BALLOON chase!
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PA5: ASSIGNMENT MIAMI BEACH (2 stars, 1988): Florida. Where all weary cop comedies go to bake on the beach before heading heavenward to donut nirvana. Oddly enough, that’s dern near the plot! Lassard’s suddenly forced to retire, although with parting "Police Officer of the Decade" honors at a Miami cop confluence. This somehow spawns the most gleefully slapstick flick of ’em all.
PA6: CITY UNDER SIEGE (1 star, 1989): "Operation Chaos" has an unintended double meaning as our haggard heros try to foil rampant robberies foisted by an ever-silhouetted criminal "mastermind." Party’s over kiddos.
PA7: MISSION TO MOSCOW (.5 star, 1994): Five years for THIS!?! CineSchlocker fave Ron Perlman‘s Russki kingpin plots world domination via NINTENDO and all hope of a swift "Game Over" is pinned on Lassard’s severely winnowed ranks. That’s the great CHRISTOPHER LEE slumming as an ambiguously gay, um, pinko. Salivating over comely commie "Katrina"? Behold Clarie Forlani‘s taut talents in CIA Trackdown.
Roll Call
Commandant Lassard (George Gaynes)
Academy’s doddering, superlative-spewing honcho is charmingly resilient amid the complete incompetence of his "many, many" beloved cadets. Enjoys indoor golf and is a serial overfeeder of goldfish.
Sgt. Mahoney (Steve Guttenberg)
Does everything short of chomp on a carrot and snark "What’s up, doc?" as the franchise’s resident wiseacre. Paw’d Kim Catrell AND Sharon Stone before the whither of their more famous years (PA1 and PA4).
Lt. Hightower (Bubba Smith)
Former florist keeps the peace via unspoken threat of a 6-foot-7-inch throttling. Earned promotion by rasslin an alligator (PA5).
Capt. Callahan (Leslie Easterbrook)
This buxom bundle of brawn trained the cadets that’d later become her closest pals. Favors "tough love" and is never short of volunteers — especially during water rescue demos (PA4).
Sgt. Jones (Michael Winslow)
Somehow combats crime by making funny noises. Often adopts self-dubbing kung fu persona and once defeated a Spanish galleon full of NINJAS for no apparent reason (PA4).
Sgt. Tackleberry (David Graf)
Never owned a .44 Magnum that he didn’t soul kiss before stowing it beneath his pillow for the night. This monster trucker drove "Bigfoot" to his honeymoon AND in a high-speed chase (PA2 and PA6).
Sgt. Hooks (Marion Ramsey)
Whisper voiced honey is a mighty mouse indeed when collaring crooks: "DON’T MOVE DIRTBAG!!!" (PA1, PA2 and PA3).
Sgt. Fackler (Bruce Mahler)
Walking whirlwind of destruction is an accident-prone demolition man. More than friendly distance is advisable.
Officer Zed (Bobcat Goldthwait)
Gang leader was cuffed in Part 2, though expeditiously reformed for Parts 3 and 4: "WHUUUU-AHHHH-EHHHH-UH!?!"
Officer Sweetchuck (Tim Kazurinsky)
Geekazoid victim of Zed’s street toughs fights back. Sorta.
Sgt. Lassard (Matt McCoy)
Hey! Where’d Steve-o go? Ta-da! Enter Mahoney Lite. Lassard’s Miami copper kin inexplicably jumps jurisdictions for Part 6.
Officer "House" Conklin (Tab Thacker)
Fat guys are hi-larious!
Capt. Harris (G.W. Bailey)
Career party pooper obsessed with ousting Commandant Lassard and his idiotic ilk. Fond of swishing around a bulbous riding crop whilst bellowing "MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE IT!" Downright darling in a tutu (PA7).
Commandant Mauser (Art Metrano)
Lassard’s fussier foil in the absence of Harris.
Lt. Proctor (Lance Kinsey)
Goofball minion of both Harris and Mauser. Routinely caught with his pants down — literally (PA4 and PA5).