Oh, how fondly I recall that frosty Thanksgiving when yours truly smuggled myself away from the fam — and a third helping of turkey — to plunk my keister down at a Piney Woods multiplex and behold what remains the holiday’s GORIEST debut! Sorta makes me misty just thinkin’ back on it. So, yes Mr. Naysayer, as if the 5-star rating weren’t plain enough, this ultra-violent, yet inexplicably mainstream creature feature is most certainly a personal passion — though it’s one more of us should own up to.
As any smartly-crafted sequel does, this sucker delivered EXACTLY what most fans wanted — plenty more face time for ol’ snaggle puss. FX idol Stan Winston‘s interstellar malcontent takes its homo-sapien safari to the near future of Los Angeles. The city swelters in 109 degree heat. There’s open, street-to-street warfare between drug lords and police. Pure bedlam. Prime hunting conditions for our eight-foot Rastafarian killing machine who mangles a cocaine baron very nearly mid-diddle, and in short order, SKINS a half-dozen other goons just out of sheer MEANNESS! In lieu of Ah-nold, Danny Glover is the woefully ill-prepared cop whose not-so-by-the-book heroism draws the big guy’s attention. Thus begins the sporting and what some postulate is an allegory for man’s brutality toward animals, which lends an amusing subtext to those climatic meat-packing plant scenes. Regardless, there’s oodles of really nifty Pred-O-Vision footage, groovy glow-in-the-dark space alien blood and oceans of the garden variety red stuff. All of which leads up to a real jaw-dropper of a final reel!!! Therein was a single shot that famously threw fuel on the flames of the burgeoning Alien vs. Predator comic franchise, which in turn, spilled into video games and, now, a sadly underwhelming feature film. But, more importantly, WHERE is Predator 3!?! Fourteen LONG years overdue!
CineSchlockers will spy the late-great Morton Downey Jr. who’s brilliantly typecast as an in-your-face TV slimeball. Mort the Mouth went on to HOLLER REALLY LOUD in Body Chemistry II and Revenge of the Nerds III before losing his battle with lung cancer four years ago. Another tragic loss among the cast was towering Kevin Peter Hall, the man beneath the latex and alien dreads, who succumbed to AIDS just six months after this sequel’s release. According to popular lore, Mr. Hall first snagged the Predator role when Jean-Claude Van Damme walked off the original picture after no more than a couple of days.
Notables: Two breasts. 48 corpses. Cajone crushing. Six explosions (including one in slow mo). Excessive coke snorting. Razorblade Frisbee to the gut. Multiple whip pans. One highly emotive porn queen (Teri Weigel). Extraterrestrial taxidermy. Coitus interruptus with extreme prejudice. Self-medicating. Head butting. Amusing Bernard Goetz reference. Multiple decapitations and amputations.
Quotables: Bahama-born Calvin Lockhart holds court as King Willie: "I don’t know WHO he is, but I know WHERE he is. The outside. The spirit world, man … There’s no stopping what can’t be stopped. No killin’ what can’t be killed … You can’t see the eyes of the demon until he come callin’!" Gary Busey chews his fair share of scenery as well: "An other-world life form! A f@#&ing ALIEN! Drawn by heat and conflict. He’s on safari! Lions, the tigers, the bears, oh my!" Predator can steal ANY line he darn well pleases: "You are one ugly … MOTHER F@#$ER!!!"