About five years ago, a couple fellas out in Burbank started an independent outfit called U.F.O. as they reckoned there’s heaping piles of cash in feeding the worldwide demand for effects-driven action pictures. Python (2000, 100 minutes) is one of those films created in part by their in-house team of Jolt-Cola crazed digital artists. But unlike another recent nature-run-amok creature feature, Komodo, this entry fails to APPROACH even being entertainingly bad.
A cargo plane carrying a value-sized python falls from the sky when the creature erupts from its crate to chow on the crew. The snake SURVIVES the crash, and takes to gobbling lesbians and other hapless folks who wander the woods. A biking enthusiast who works with industrial-strength acid is originally suspected of the murders, as the snake projectile-pukes corrosive goo over his food. Robert Englund is the scientist who wants to recapture the beast. Casper Van Dien (with a bizarre accent) is the government goon out to kill it. His attempt fails, and it’s up to a panting group of friends to bag the creature in a series of all-too-elaborate plans. Among the snake bait are Playboy Playmate Jenny McCarthy who pays for making dork-o faces and Star Trek‘s Wesley Crusher for having purple hair.
Notables: Four breasts. 13 corpses. Multiple snake kisses. Heads tumble. Multiple explosions. Gratuitous urination. Drooling. Shaky-snake cam. Gratuitous Richard Simmons joke.
Quotables: Kenny the Closer loves his car, "Hey! Hey! You scratch it, I’ll hang your balls like fuzzy dice from my mirror!" Dr. Rudolph belabors the point, "This is not some garden snake you’re going after. We are talking about a perfect killing machine: a 129-foot all-terrain vehicle capable of speeds exceeding 50 miles an hour with skin that can deflect an anti-tank round, enhanced night vision and a voracious appetite for human flesh. It will slaughter your men before they have a chance to blink."
Time codes: Son of Cigarette Smoking Man lights up (11:00). Freddy Kreuger joins the picture (23:50). First good look at the python (32:45). Ridiculous two-man brawl (42:49). Another take on the Psycho shower scene (1:07:15). "Remember kids, ALWAYS wear your helmet, even when pursued by a giant serpent" (1:14:24).
Final thought: An utter disappointment. Only Mr. Englund manages to shine within this dreck.