This is, by far, THE sickest, most disgusting, gratuitously-vulgar, stomach-turning, grossly-offensive movie I’ve ever had the uneasy pleasure of watching — again and again and again. Terror Firmer (1999, 114 minutes) bores beneath the flesh and breeds BOTH gleeful revulsion and borderline-psychotic laughter. And with it, Troma’s Lloyd Kaufman and Michael Herz have set the bar SO high (or low, depending on the viewer) that besting this level of depravity may take another 27 years — as the film truly rivals John Waters‘ heretofore unequalled Pink Flamingos.
The movie: Within the flick’s first 80 seconds — a mysterious woman rips off a cat-caller’s leg and BEATS HIM WITH IT as his blood streams onto the street like an unattended fire hose — she then skulks up to a pregnant sunbather and TEARS A BABY FROM THE WOMB with her bare-bloodied hands!!! Gulp. And, again, that’s before the title credits have ended. The meat of the story takes us behind the scenes of Troma’s next Toxic Avenger flick. The eccentric crew of punks, stoners, transsexuals and militant filmmakers is led by its BLIND director (Kaufman) whose motivation style generally leans toward idle threats of blowing his brains out. Two major forces conspire to hinder his art-making — a dwindling staff due to the mysterious woman’s serial killing and various boisterous and very public on-set romances. Debbie Rochon diddles every inch of man flesh she lays eyes and other parts on as B-queen Christine. While nouveau-Tromette Alyce LaTourelle turns heads as the awkward but sexy Jennifer who is pursued by two eager beaus. A particular highlight of the film is when a rotund production assistant (Yaniv Sharon) runs nekkid through Times Square on a rather, um, COLD day — a show of unflappable dedication to his art. CineSchlockers will no doubt scour the web’s dens of iniquity to further ogle the melon-heavy talents of [Name Redacted], whose performance as Toxie’s bride stir more than just the soul. And look for Kaufman’s ode to Brian De Palma‘s split-screened Carrie during Terror Firmer’s explosive climax.
Notables: 18 breasts. 15 corpses. Legs tumble. Spinning headlines. Frequent puking. Armpit sniffing. Wangdoodle super-hyper extension. Lesbian tongue rassling. Flatulence flame throwing. Pre-homicidal self-gratification. Gratuitous flashback sequence. Pickles as sex toys. Gratuitous police interrogation scene. Poop eating. Life-affirming rape scene. Hiney slapping. Stunt breasts. Ventriloquist dummy crucifixion. Gratuitous multi-stream urination.
Quotables: Casey is a smooth operator, “Hey, Jennifer, can you come and hold my boom mic?” Lloyd Kaufman, er, Larry Benjamin demands an end to chaos, “I know something about the world, because I’m a 52-year-old a@#hole! It’s a HORRIBLE world! There’s starvation, dismemberment, torture, rape and CORNHOLING!!! It’s a horrible world! It’s horrible out there! But it’s worse, it’s WORSE here on the movie set! It’s much worse! We have danger and S-T-U-P-I-D-I-T-Y!!!” He also provides careful direction to his star, “You’re supposed to be a seductress. Can you please do this with a little more of that slutty-whore-bitch vibe? We love that!” Not everyone deals with grief in the same way, “Boo f@#&in’ who!!!”
Time codes: Troma’s rules of production (3:34). Starlet and cinematographer diddle in the bathroom (7:18). Toxie gets it on (22:50). Porn legend Ron Jeremy (30:50). Troma regular Joe Fleishaker (40:00). ACME’s Legs Be Gone demonstration (55:55). That fella sure blow’d up good (1:37:26). Troma’s amazing recycled car crash (1:18:40). A special message concerning hermaphrodites (1:47:08).
Final thought: An utterly flabbergasting flick that burns with comedic and rebellious fervor throughout. Truly Troma’s triumph.