Guess the title has new irony given this unhappy anniversary. Just a year ago, it was front page news when a Dallas soccer mom pitched a fit SO fierce that the ears of genre fans STILL haven’t stopped ringing. She told papers her 9-year-old son and his buddy had "eyes wide as saucers" when she discovered them watching dancing girls receive less-than-clinical breast exams. Something she sure hadn’t counted on from a PG-rated Swamp Thing DVD. Outraged, she complained to Blockbuster, who quickly pulled rentals from its shelves nationwide. Fans howled in disbelief: "So the kid saw Adrienne’s Barbeaus. BIG DEAL! … Machine gun murders? A human fireworks display? Bring ’em on! Nipples!? Oh, the HORROR!"
Sarcasm aside, whether she and the video industry overreacted or unfairly maligned a genre favorite are regretfully beside the point. It’s not about a mislabeled rating. A simple STICKER could rectify that. The real reason the flick’s out of print is that MGM released a flick they didn’t have the legal right to distribute. Namely, the fleshy "international" version. No wonder they’ve been so mum about ever re-releasing even the kid-friendlier cut of Wes Craven‘s cult hit.
This may be sacrilege, but Eagle Scout’s honor, yours truly always PREFERRED the sequel anyway. Sure the jiggle factor is beyond comparison even under the direction of famed breast auteur, and by natural extension, CineSchlocker fave Jim Wynorski. But he DID have Heather Locklear traipsing around Savannah in a couple of lovely low-cut numbers. Honestly, who can forget those stunning white stockings and Easter bonnet!? Swampy himself gets a MAJOR makeover that improves him from looking like a giant tube of disgusting green toothpaste into an honest to goodness PLANT! Louis Jourdan‘s just that much MORE demented as Dr. Anton Arcane. But mutating into a value-sized warthog and getting clobbered by a one-armed swamp monster until you dissolve into a patch of steaming GOO will DO THAT to you! It’s also a much funnier picture thanks, in part, to Jimbo’s Laurel & Hardy-esque pairing of young Daniel Taylor and RonReaco Lee who, curiously enough, are about the age of the aforementioned outraged mama’s spawn and ALSO love Swamp Thing and nekkid ladies. There’s MORE mutants! MORE explosions! And as if all that weren’t enough, freakin’ Creedence Clearwater Revival lends "Born on the Bayou" as the title track! Case closed.
As stunt guys in rubber suits go, they don’t get better, or smarter, than Dick Durock. He successfully held on to the role of Swamp Thing through BOTH motion pictures and SEVENTY-TWO half-hour episodes on the USA Network! Although, at 6-foot-5 and 215 pounds, it’s probably tough to say "No" to the guy. CineSchlockers will also recognize Arcane’s Miss Poinsettia, Penthouse Pet Monique Gabrielle, from numerous B-pictures including nearly a dozen with one-time beau Wynorski. Probably most notably being her dazzling dual role in Deathstalker II. Today she shepherds Monique’s Purrfect Productions offering an array of explicit entertainment online.
No breasts. 12 corpses. Gratuitous urination. Ol’ drop the glasses at the exact worst possible moment gag. Reckless gene splicing. Multiple explosions. Two firesuit stunts (one recycled from the original). Moonshine swilling. Creepy organ playing. Bottle to the brainpan. Flirtatious scar comparing. Gratuitous talking parrot. Louisville Slugger slugging. Stooges-esque braining. In what could also serve as the flick’s subtitle, a future slab of gator bait yelps when confronted by Leech Man, "SHOOT THAT THING!!!" Mrs. Tommy Lee feigns innocence, "Why can’t men be more like plants? I mean, you can stroke a plant and it doesn’t get the wrong idea!" Former Bond baddie Jourdan deadpans, "I’ve never felt saner!" And, later, amid an evil deed, "God will pardon me. That’s his job!" Arcane goon Joe Sagal is a people person, "I’ve always been what you’d call a likable guy when I’m not blowing somebody away!" Jimbo’s pint-sized John Candy proclaims, "I think that green dude’s good!"