Whenever he’s asked to name the greatest horror picture of all time, legendary drive-in movie critic Joe Bob Briggs never wavers: "SAW IS KING!!!" Damn straight. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre IS king. Yesterday, today and forever. It’s the alpha and omega. Hallelujah. Pass the plate. Amen.
Saw first ripped across screens way back in 1974 — that’s coming up on 30 years to you finger counters out there — and even today folks STILL point a freakafied finger at it when they talk about what’s WRONG with Hollywood. (Never mind that it wasn’t MADE by California yayhoos). We’re talking coeds on meat hooks, a geriatric psychopath konkin’ gals on the head and probably the most imitated horror icon ever — the chainsaw two-stepper himself — Leatherface.
The movie: It’s a simple story, really, yet few imitators can match its profoundly disturbing ferocity. This tall tale follows a quasi-documentary vein with a vanload of road trippers for whom a sweltering August excursion finds them running on empty and square into a macabre mess of Southern inhospitality.
There’s Sally Hardesty and her wheelchair-bound bubba Franklin (Mariyln Burns and Paul Partain). Both are buxom, neither wear bras. Riding shotgun is Sally’s beau Jerry (Allen Danziger). Then there’s wheelman Kirk and his gal Pam (William Vail and Teri McMinn). Things first start to get ugly when an insane hitchhiker and amateur photographer (Ed Neal) tries to carve his initials into Franklin’s arm without permission. Then, for plot purposes, they stop for gas right down the road from the fiery gates of H-E-L-L!!!
One by one they wander single file into a deceptively benign farmhouse and endure staggeringly brutal and certainly permanent consequences for their trespassing. Each is dispatched by a towering hulk masked by the filleted face of a human corpse. Sally spends the most time getting to know "Leatherface" (Gunnar Hansen) by spending the evening running over hill and dale, screaming her lungs out while he lumbers after her with a roaring chainsaw overhead.
Later, they meet back at his place for the world’s most depraved dinner date. Unfortunately, the big guy’s brothers crash (Mr. Neal and Jim Siedow) and so does his Methuselah-esque Grandpa (John Dugan). Sally shrieks mid-course. They howl back. Then the REAL fun starts! Its sum total is enough to fray even the most steely-nerved horror hound.
Notables: No breasts. Eight corpses. Finger suckling. Necro origami. Giant eyeball closeups. Gratuitous urination. Hand carving. Window diving. Mega raspberries. Puking. Deep-frozen coed.
Quotable: Listen for when Siedow hollers: "LOOK AT WHAT YOUR BROTHER DID TO THE DOOR!!!"