Features

Reader Feedback 2001

I Want My Granny

Gabe Davis writes: Do you think we’ll ever see a DVD release of the 1995 Shannon Whirry-Stella Stevens horror/comedy masterpiece "The Granny"? It’s right at the top of my "most wanted" list. Indiana Jones? Star Wars? Yeah, they’re okay, I guess, but give me The Granny! Please! If you haven’t seen it, I can’t recommend it more highly.

Noel responds: How the heck did I miss THIS one?! I’d have sworn up and down to having seen EVERY flick Ms. Whirry ever made. Sounds fantastic! It’s good to see you’ve got your priorities straight. We don’t see NEAR enough of Shannon these days. Pretty tragic if you ask me. Let’s hope the DVD gods hear our Granny prayer.

 

Lance Henriksen rules

Charles Power writes: I think the Stuart Gordon 1991 version of The Pit and the Pendulum, which it seems very few outlets carry (after all, they’ve got the Vincent Price version) deserves a review. Lance Henriksen at his overest-the-top (as a witch-hunting Torquemada, despite the fact that the historical Torquemada had the surprisingly modern view that "witches" were mostly nutty old ladies who needed help) and a leading lady who looks great nekkid.

Noel responds: Clearly, this is a grievous oversight on my part. Lance is the best there is! Heck, he even made Piranha II tolerable. I’ll do my best to rectify this error in 2002.

 

Bombs, Babes and Thanks!

Producer Arlene Sidaris writes: Andy and I just read the reviews you wrote and, if I didn’t know my mother better, I’d think she had you on salary. Thank you for your generous treatment of our efforts. It’s so nice to know when someone "gets the joke" and you go way over the top. … Many, many thanks.

Noel responds: I’m so pleased that you and Andy got a kick out of my reviews! Y’all have launched the collection with a pair of outstanding discs (with fantastic bonus material). I look forward to perusing more titles in 2002!

 

Russ Meyer DVD update

Bill Foley writes: I’ll believe it when I see it but I received this reply from [Russ Meyer] yesterday: "Up, Mondo Topless and Cherry, Harry & Raquel will be released on dvd early next year. Possibly in January. Other titles will follow. Thank you for your interest in RM Films." Hopefully they’ll be from the camera neg, not off tape like the French DVDs. Maybe he’ll give you, the schlock master, a scoop. Spread the word!

Noel responds: Thanks for passing along the can-tastic news. It’s about time the Breastman Extraordinaire made his triumphant DVD debut here in the States. Can’t wait to get my grubby hands on those circular orbs of video conveyance!

 

Highway to the Peach Pit

Margie Bertucci writes: Okay, I just caught [The Highwayman] last week, and I’ve been totally addicted. Call me crazy, but I like it. I think I like it for a lot of the reasons you didn’t like it. But then, since last week, I’ve seen it probably 6 times. I like the girl more now than I did. Thanks for the heads-up on The Faculty role. Didn’t recognize her. I did watch [Jason Priestley] in 90210, but that’s three years ago and frankly I can’t remember much of his "emotes." But, I still liked your review of it. Just one more thing: I think the movie haunts me because of the less than satisfying details…like I said, call me crazy.

Noel responds: Six times!?! I’ve got close kin that I haven’t even seen SIX times. Sometimes these flicks find a whole new life on cable, so maybe you won’t be alone for long on the Highwayman bandwagon. If you haven’t already, be sure to check out the commentary with Mr. Sideburns. It’s a hoot.

 

Jurassic Schlock

Cary Burch writes: You could not have summed up Jurassic Park III any better…..GREAT review……….

Noel responds: It’s always reassuring to know others share my warped view of entertainment value. Thanks for the encouraging words! Let’s hope they continue on the low road in Part 4! Maybe even some genetically engineered cave babes who enjoy mud rasslin’?

 

Melon mania

Gil Jawetz writes: Your assignment for the holidays is to rent the video of Watermelon Man if you’ve never seen it and add it to your MOST WANTED list. It’s one of the craziest movies ever made and if Melvin Van Peebles doesn’t record a commentary for it soon, he’ll be dead!

Noel responds: I swear I saw this before. Maybe I’m confusing it with that deal in The Twilight Zone where the racist up and turned Jewish, or Soul Man. Regardless, I’ll scan the asiles for it, but I doubt it’ll unseat Mario as my favorite Van Peebles.

 

Ape-O-Thon 2001

Jason writes: Thanks so much for taking the time to watch & review each Planet Of The Apes TV episode! I have very limited time to watch DVD’s, so I’m glad I can now pick & choose which episode to watch! Keep up the great work, and get some ice for your bum!

Noel responds: I’m pleased to help you make the best use of your viewing time. That’s at least one benefit of my frittering away my life with such pursuits. Now if I can just finesse a way to write off the marathon as a charitable donation on my income tax.

Dave writes: Great review..but I skipped most of it..saving some ‘spoilers’. The ONLY other marathon like this I have endeavered was when I RELUCTANTLY plopped a gift of Sopranos Season 1, Episode 1 in and ..well, once the credits started rolling, my wife and I COULDN’T stop!!! All 13 eps…living off of Diet Coke with Lemon, Twizzlers, Popcorn..and uh, the cats? (Have to count…) Anyway, I picked this up for $40, and while I hated the re-make, and hell, don’t even like the MOVIES that much, I like episodic TV…makes DVD time easier to schedule. Do you feel this can stand alone without having to watch my Apes set again? I only really remember the first….? Thanks for a great review…and the time!

Noel responds: Sopranos or Apes. Apes or Sopranos. That’s sorta like comparing nuns and strippers — with Sopranos being a 13-hour lapdance. Regardless, I think you’ll get a kick out of the set even without revisiting the sequels. Glad you appreciated the review.

 

Hog heaven

ErmanEmh writes: I love this column. I’m as happy as a pig in slop!!! KEEP SENDING TO ME UPDATES; I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!

Noel responds: Happy as a pig in slop!? That may be the most apt review I’ve ever received. Notes like yours make all this foolishness worthwhile.

 

That’s entertainment!

Joe writes: I enjoyed many of your recent "CineSchlock" columns; keep ’em coming! Though I see lots of regular movies, I particularly enjoy the so-called "schlock" genre, as I find such movies often have more genuine entertainment value (and, yes, sometimes more artistry!) than the "real" films hyped by the studios. I particularly like schlock horror movies and exploitation movies featuring nubile young things– LOL. … Anyway, keep up the good work!

Noel responds: Ah, grasshopper, you perceive much. It’s my hope that CineSchlock-O-Rama will help more folks realize the wealth of entertainment just waiting for them in fringe cinema. There’s no reason not to celebrate Citizen Kane AND Citizen Toxie. The gutter’s the limit!

 

Faster Pussycat, DVD! DVD!

Bill Foley writes: These flicks are too good maybe to be in a CineSchlock-O-Rama but we have to start getting serious about demanding all of Russ Meyer’s flicks on DVD. Why should the damn French have all the fun?

Noel responds: If your dream and mine comes true, it’ll most definitely be on Mr. Meyer’s terms. The famed breast auteur has hawkishly kept control of the distribution of his films. If you want a VHS copy of The Immoral Mr. Teas, it’ll set you back $80, but there’s an excellent chance Russ will actually take your order himself when you dial up RM Films International. I’m still saving my pennies for his 3-volume magnum opus known as A Clean Breast that was recently marked down from $350 to just $199. Given that as an example, we might need to take out a second mortgage for the DVD boxed set if it ever materializes.

 

Baby buggy butchery

Mark writes: Just an update regarding my inquiry about "Lone Wolf & Cub" on dvd. I just received word from one of the customer service folks at hkflix.com that they expect to have two titles from the series by the end of this week or early next. It all depends on getting them in from the people they work with overseas. The details I have for the discs are few: They’ll be in Region 0 format and that one of the titles will be "Baby Cart at the River Styx". I don’t have any idea regarding the disc specs such as 16×9 anamorphic, Dolby, original aspect ratio, bonus material etc. but the fact that they are making an appearance is good news. Hopefully, I can look forward to seeing your reviews for these titles.

Noel responds: That’s excellent news. I’ll see if Santa Kleinman can track those down for a future column. Thanks for passing along the info.

 

Invisible disc?!?!?!

John writes: Hey man, love your reviews! One of the few worthy reviewers of the films that I love on the net……..two questions that I have not yet found the answers to and figured a film expert like yourself might know: They’re advertising a film now issued by Anchor Bay entitled, Mountain of the Cannibal God starring Ursula Andress….is this the same film under a different title, Slave of the Cannibal God? Did Andress make many cannibal films? Not really a fan of cannibal movies (’cause of real animal deaths not down with that) this one was one of the tamer versions and actually decent. Other question: HUGE fan of Karloff and Lugosi when is the movie, The Invisible Ray (which I’ve never seen) coming out on DVD? It’d be a great candidate for double-feature releases but I sure hope that Universal puts some extras on ’em this time! Isn’t it about time Universal released an official version of Chaney’s Phantom… also? On another note it’d be cool to have an interview sometime with Laurie Wallace (a.k.a. the third and blonde chick from Erotic Witch… glad she’s making a return to the Seduction flicks) Thanks again, man, I’m inspired to one day become an internet reviewer of horror and B-movies because of CineSchlock-O-Rama!!

Noel responds: I’m with you on the queasy animal butcherings common to cannibal flicks. I guess they figure if they’re roasting tourists on spits, what’s the big deal about braining a petting zoo or two? You’re right about the alternate title for the recent Anchor Bay release. Foreign pictures were especially subject to the titling whims of states-side distributors. Besides everyone likes the notion of having Ms. Andress as their slave. Don’t they? Great idea about chatting with Laurie Wallace. I was fortunate to see her at Chiller earlier this year, and lemme tell you, she’s a doll. But your guess is as good as mine about those Universal flicks. I’ve given up on predicting future releases.

 

Ginger Snaps

James McMullan writes: Nice review of GINGER SNAPS. I foolishly bought the no-frills US edition, which claims in small print that its full-frame 1.33:1 presentation is the same ratio the film was originally shot in. I understand the deleted scenes run full-frame as well. I wonder which version was cropped from which. Any idea?

Noel responds: Beware the small print. Ginger Snaps was filmed for theatrical release at 1.85:1. I haven’t had the opportunity to look at the Artisan disc, so it’s difficult to say whether it’s simply an open matte transfer or not. If so, you may get more vertical image area than the filmmakers intended. The playground scene with the horse in the foreground and the girls in the extreme background seems like classic widescreen framing. Also, the tight-to-wide horizontal crop of the flick’s final scene wouldn’t be as powerful in fullframe. The CE’s deleted scenes do indeed run fullframe with timecodes along the bottom. I’m pleased you enjoyed the review and hope you pick up the Canadian version. You’ll be glad you did!

Mark writes: Loved your review about "Ginger Snaps" however I have just one question: Is this DVD released only in Canada and overseas? After reading your review I went looking to order a copy on dvdplanet.com and I found an earlier version of the dvd without all the extras.Ditto on half.com. I saw nothing regarding a street date for this version so I’m wondering how long until this particular version makes it’s debut here in the US ( if at all )? … [And] any chance of that 70’s cult classic "El Topo" making an appearance on DVD? Howzabout the six tape set of "Lone Wolf & Cub" movies that are ( were ) available on VHS from Animiego coming out on DVD? Thanks for the great reviews!

Noel responds: Gory kung fu flicks about a guy with a tricked out baby carriage!? Gimme! Gimme! Thanks for clueing me in on those and that El Topo sounds El Neato. Who do we have to strip nekkid and horsewhip to make this happen? Great to hear you loved the Ginger Snaps review! Let’s see if I can clarify things. TVA’s collectors edition is exclusive to Canada, which means you’ll have to purchase it from one of the many e-tailers from the Great White North like Chapters.ca, EntertainMe.ca or ABSound.ca. When you charge by credit card the currency conversion is automatic and will be roughly $10 less than the total in Canadian dollars. And put me on the guest list of your next film fest. Clearly, you’re my kinda people!

 

Miami mission

Patrick Mcdonnell writes: Hey my goal right now is to see the film "Band of the Hand" released on DVD. Is there any way to encourage the progress on this venture?

Noel responds: Now there’s one I’d forgotten about. Them drug dealers didn’t know what hit ’em. I’m pretty sure that’s a Columbia TriStar picture. You might try rattling some cages over there. They could also tell you if the rights have migrated elsewhere.

 

More to come

Producer Sam Sherman writes: Thanks so much for the really excellent review and presentation on NURSE SHERRI. I and the folks at EI put in a lot of effort to make a good product. Being a movie fan and collector myself, I usually try to make up tapes and DVDs which I would like as a collector. That is why I left in the phone call when I could have edited it out. It was a another example of how a low budget company works in its own offices doing these commentary tracks instead of going to an expensive pro studio. I have quite a few more films licensed to EI and we will be putting first class effort into those upcoming releases also. Thanks again.

 

Straw vote

Spiderblood writes: Another great obscure movie that should be on DVD is Scarecrows or if it is on DVD please tell me where so I can get it right now! Thanks for the great and entertaining reviews. You rule!!

Noel responds: It’s funny you should mention Scarecrows because the fella that made the cult fave, Bill Wesley, has a new flick that just hit video stores called Route 666. Lou Diamond Phillips and Lori Petty discover an all-new meaning for "road rage" when they make a wrong turn down a forgotten desert road and tangle with the zombies of a murdered chain gang — who literally rise up from and are MADE OF asphalt. Also, Wesley bucks convention by staging his whole story in broad daylight. So weird it’s bound to be good. Let’s hope it’s a hit, so maybe we really will see a Scarecrows disc!

 

BatCon Comic & Toy Expo

Andy Fish writes: Enjoyed your article very much on the show. As a cartoonist, and former Bat-artist, I was invited to attend but was committed to a show in Boston the same weekend. Any chance you have a print of your picture of the Batmobile for sale? My son and I saw the car a few years ago and then proceeded to lose the disposable camera we took the pictures with, and I’d like to get a decent shot of it.

Noel responds: I’m glad you enjoyed my BatCon musings. It’s a real shame you missed the show as I’m sure you’d have loved the scene and I’ll bet folks would have been glad to meet you. Point out whichever Bat-photo you’d like and I’ll be happy to email it to you at a size you can print out. Maybe we’ll see you out this way next year!

Wes McCue writes: Got onto your BatCon article via Computer BatLink from the 1966 Batman BatFan Message Board. Very nice work although you really missed the BatBoat (Where’s your picture of the slinky babes clambering over the Bat-hydro-conveyance, for crying out loud?!?) by not getting a Bat-picture of the revered Bat-star himself, the one, the only real Batman – Adam West. Holy Telephoto Lens, Batman! Holy Photo Op, Batman! Shall I go on? Anyway, thanks for the pics. BTW that Batmobile looks better than any of the ‘originals’ I’ve seen up close! They’re mostly falling apart! Anxiously awaiting my own Giant Toy Batmobile to fit my own Adam West Bat-doll into the driver’s seat, (No, I didn’t pay the big ticket price, made a neat trade deal….) so I was interested to see another view of that as well. But, again, I begin to ramble…Thanks for a swell report!

Noel responds: A better picture would have been of the fevered throng of horn-dog fans wildly snapping photos of those Bat-babes, but I was too busy tittering to myself to take advantage of that opportunity. As for Mr. West, well, it’s always been my schtick to never actually belly-up to the stars at the Sci-Fi Expo, although the organizers graciously gave me a pass to do so. Maybe next Bat-time. Say "howdy" to the folks on the BatFan board for me and thanks for letting me know y’all enjoyed the piece.

Dennis Stines writes: I’m the owner of the "Bat-Car" on display at the Bat-Con and would like to clear up some impressions you seem to have got. You could take all the pictures and stand beside the car as much as you wanted. IF you wanted to sit in the car, the fee was 10.00 and you could take as many pictures with your own camera as you wanted. 10.00 standing beside the car was for our prints. 15.00 got you a 4×6 glossy print and for 5.00 more you could get another print. I would also like to point out that nobody was turned away. We had numerous people with families and small children that obviously didn’t have even the 10.00. Did we charge them, no. We even gave them the 2 prints. I didn’t see Mr. West handing out any freebies. He even stood up the charity silent auction for lunch with the stars and he even got all his travel expenses paid! He also refused the Q/A after he originally promised the promoters. He felt he was making too much on the autographs to take a 30 minute break. For the record, I came for free. I was promised nothing. The trip was 1200 miles one way. My wife and I spent 5 nights in a hotel not to mention taking off 5 days of work for each of us. I did it because I enjoyed doing it. I would do it again with no promises just because of the joy it brought to everyone who sit in the car. Nobody made any money off of the deal when everything was considered. Like I said, we did it for FUN! You should have came up and talked to me and I would have let you take all the pictures you needed for no CHARGE! All you had to do was ask instead of making assumptions and "running like hell". Hell, if you came back Sunday afternoon when it closed down you could have even taken a ride in it around the convention center. We burnt out about half a tank of gas doing that for anybody who asked. Be sure to talk with me next time, my wife was the one snapping the pictures.

Noel responds: Thank you so much for pointing out my Bat-blunder. I’d like to blame some dastardly villain like The Joker or The Penguin, but alas, the fault is mine! I’ve made the appropriate corrections to my report and will post your letter in the reader feedback section so my fellow CineSchlockers can also see the light. I hate that I missed a free ride in the Batmobile. Thanks for sharing it with all of us, and my sincerest apologies for getting my facts tangled.

 

Jess Franco?

Frank Estrada writes: Are you a fan of ultra-sleazy Euro-director Jesus "Jess" Franco? Have you seen his film entitled EXORCISM? I hear that it will be released on dvd by Synapse at the end of this month. Those who have seen this film claim that this is Franco’s bloodiest and most sexually charged(!) film of his career. To add insult to hilarity, I hear that there is a XXX rated cut of this film. AND, to add sickness to insult and hilarity…supposedly Franco himself participates in the hardcore action. That’s a cameo that even Hitchcock could appreciate! I haven’t seen any Franco films except the wonderfully named VAMPYROS LESBOS. Mmmmm…Lesbos. Please let me know what you think of these deliciously Schlock-tastic films.

Noel responds: With a fella as prolific as Jess, it’s impossible not to have run across at least one of his flicks. I haven’t seen any of the varied incarnations of Exorcism, but seriously doubt Synapse will deliver the hardcore version (Sexorcisme). I’m not so sure that’s a bad thing, as I’ve read the scenes were only added to make the film marketable to adult theaters. Personally, I can only take Franco’s work in small doses. I get woozy otherwise. I just saw this flick he did a couple years back where he had Scream Queen Michelle Bauer staggering around nekkid as a jaybird with bolts in her temples. It’s called Lust for Frankenstein and I’ll be forever grateful if anyone can explain it to me. Ms. Bauer actually HUMPS A TREE at one point. That wacky Franco! Since you asked about him, pass me your mailing address and I’ll send you the Shock-O-Rama Cinema DVD that has TWO versions of the film, a 30-minute behind the scenes reel and an interview with Michelle at Chiller.

 

The drive-in will never die!

Michael Butcher writes: I have been reading your reviews for a while now and I just wanted to say I love them. I definitely see the nod to Joe Bob. October 20th Joe Bob Briggs is going to be at a movie marathon here in Columbus and I can’t wait to see him.

Noel responds: Always take advantage of any chance you get to catch Joe Bob in person. You’ll not be disappointed! I was fortunate enough to live the Drive-In Mutant’s dream of being allowed to lurk around the set of his old MonsterVision show on TNT for a day. He’s doing another date here in Dallas with the Metropolitan Winds called "Blazing Zombies," which will showcase all our favorite horror movie themes. Should make for a festive Halloween evening! Joe Bob Briggs remains THE drive-in movie authority after nearly 20 years, and more than that, he’s a fantastically gifted writer and devilishly brilliant social commentator. While I’m just a hack. Thanks so much for reading my ramblings anyway.

 

Keep coming back

Jason writes: I just wanted to let you know you are one of the few reviewers i actually keep coming back to for more reviews. I don’t know if you actually review the films that are worth watching (Killer Klowns,Tremors series,etc) or what but please keep up the good work.

Noel responds: I guess there really is no accounting for taste, but it’s reassuring to know someone other than my mother is reading my nonsense. Come to think of it, even SHE doesn’t, so your support is doubly appreciated! Send me your postal address and I’ll reward your loyalty (or foolishness) with either Seduction Cinema’s heartwarming Erotic Ghost, or Troma’s Evil Dead-ish Frostbiter. Both are loaded with the appropriate digital goodies. If it helps, Darian Caine told me she’s especially proud of her performance in Erotic Ghost, and I’m pretty sure she’d scratch our eyes out if either of us were to disagree.

 

Adventures in geekdom

Russ Cripps writes: I am sure you get a ton of emails such as this but i have grown up a horror fan and have collected my share of collectibles. Now at the age of 24 I want to begin a journey into the horror world and meet each of the actors i have idolized for years. My first step in this journey was meeting Doug Bradley (Pinhead)last weekend at a hayride in Pennsylavnia. I have heard that Mr. Vorhees is in town this weekend. There has to be an easier way of being informed on appearances rather then hearing them on your local radio station or hayride brochures. Do you have any suggestions on how to more informed on these appearances? I look to you an experienced individual in this area for some help. Thank you very much.

Noel responds: My friend, I have three words for you: Chiller Theatre Expo. It’s the granddaddy of ALL fan fests. I made my first pilgrimage back in April and will definitely return. I’d always poked fun at folks who went to these things. You get this mental picture of some pizza-faced yahoo in Spock ears. Sure, he’s there, but there’s a lot of NORMAL people milling around that’ll put you at ease. Here in Dallas, we have what they call The Sci-Fi Expo & Toy Show a few times a year. They’ll haul out Six of Nine from Star Trek, or some such, and we all come a-runnin’. It’s sad, really, but a heckuva lot of fun. That’s really what got me hooked. Then, like you, I decided I wanted to hit something more horror intensive, so I wandered out to Orlando for Fangoria’s Weekend of Horrors and had a big time. While I was there, everyone kept telling me how fantastic Chiller was, which I’d certainly heard of before. When I realized Dr. Smith from Lost in Space was going to be at their next show, well, that was enough to put me on the plane right then and there. Oh, dear! Beyond Chiller, you might keep an eye on the websites of stars you’d like to meet, as they’ll often keep a list of their upcoming appearances. And when you catch up with Kane Hodder, bug him about Project: Metalbeast for me — he just loves that.

 

Anchors away

Andrew Peick writes: I picked up Suspiria: LE and Maniac: LE and was disapointed that u did not have a review on them, nor any info. I think these both are worth mentioning and u shoud take a look at. But, if u have already done this, and I have missed it somewhere please tell me what u thought.

Noel responds: Sorry to disappoint. You know, it’s funny, Anchor Bay sent me this really nifty blood-splattered ballet slipper to promote Suspiria, but no disc. I can’t review footware. I’m actually more interested in checking out the new Maniac disc, if only to compare it to the previous version from Elite Entertainment. That Bill Lustwig just up and ran off with half their catalog. Ouch! Anyway, I’m certain each disc would have been favorably reviewed. Even if my personal opinion of Dario isn’t quite as fevered as most.

 

Hurray for lesbians

Frank writes: I enjoy your reviews, so I thought I’d throw a couple questions your way. Do you enjoy: PLANET OF THE VAMPIRES (Mario Bava). CANNIBAL THE MUSICAL (um…the South Park guys). those sausages you see floating in the jars (in a dirty tavern)- HOT MAMAS. VAMPYROS LESBOS (Jess Franco?)

Noel responds: Great to hear you enjoy my reviews! Let’s see. Gal vampires are ALWAYS compelling, especially when the tender caress of Sappho is a major player. Trey Parker and Matt Stone are beyond brilliant with musical comedy, as they proved with their more mainstream hits "Kyle’s Mom is a Big Fat Bitch" and the Oscar-nominated "Blame Canada." I still can’t believe those Academy codgers voted for that weenie Phil Collins. While I’m ashamed to admit I’ve never seen Planet of the Vampires, but I’ll rectify that transgression as soon as possible.

 

Drive-in debate

Stuart Galbraith IV writes: Just wanted to offer my two cents on one sentence of your review of Elite’s "Drive-In Vol. 2." Regarding the image quality of the two features, you note "Neither is