More letters on Page 2
We love, They Live
Jack writes: I have always loved They Live from the first time I ever saw it. I never saw it as a treatise against greed of the 80’s (I actually think the 90’s were a better example of unchecked greed). I went much broader in its interpretation: all of mankind in all of time. Money is the subject most talked about by Christ in the New Testament (or second, can’t remember for sure; either way, it’s on up there). Money is important, but it’s not the main thing. Where do we draw the line? Are we willing to sell our soul for money or power or prestige (or any combination thereof)? For fun, if you haven’t done so, read This Present Darkness and Piercing the Darkness, both by Frank Peretti. Then watch this movie again, and it will give you a whole different perspective on this movie. And, yes, that was a rollicking good fight scene. I think I need to get a region-free player one day when I have money so I can get the Region 2 edition and get the commentaries. Why would they go to all the trouble to produce those commentaries (or even just one) and NOT put it on the U.S. (pardon me, Region 1) edition? I don’t mean to preach at you with my missives, but my beliefs inform the rest of me and are the lens through which I filter everything. Even if you don’t believe as I do, I’ll at least give you a different perspective occasionally.
Gary writes: I love this fight and I’m not alone. The South Park Guys took the fight scene and redid it with the crippled kids on the show. If you watch the cripple fight episode you see that it is a frame by frame homage to the fight, they even use the same dialog. This is just a fun fact I thought you’d dig.
Artful prose
David writes: Who are the literary equivalents of say Roger Corman or Lloyd Kaufman? I love psychotronic/B movies, but I also love extra-cheesy pulp-type fiction as well, though it’s much harder to discover and learn about, etc. I’ve already read all the Ed Wood novels and short stories that I could get my hands on … any other suggestions for me?? I figured that maybe people who are into B movies are into B fiction as well, and it wouldn’t hurt to ask.
More most wanted
Readers routinely write with picks for CineSchlock-O-Rama’s Most Wanted:
Kyle writes:I took another trip to Cineschlock O-Rama and decided to share a trio of movies that I think should be in the Cinescholcker’s Most Wanted. First up is Mitchell (1975), a perennial Mystery Science Theater favorite starring joe Don Baker (of Walking Tall and The Living Daylights) as Mitchell, an overweight, slobby, unkempt detective who solves his cases usually by accident (due to a low IQ). He winds up landing both smack dab in the middle of a drug deal headed by lawyer John Saxon and millionaire Martin Balsam, with aid from his butler Merlin Olsen, and a foxy hooker played by Linda Evans (the same Linda Evans who married Yanni). A truly horrible film would be made even better with a Joe Don Baker commentary (so we can find out why the hell he did this). I put in a suggetsion to Anchor Bay about this one, and decided to see what you thought. Next is Paperhouse (1989), a psychological horror-thriller from the UK. It is about, to put it in a summary from the Internet movie Database, a girl called Anna who falls ill with glandular fever on her 11th birthday. She draws a house on a shred of paper from her exercise book and falls into a dream in which the house is real. Each subsequent dream that she has is altered by the presence of whatever she adds to the picture. In her third dream she meets a boy she thinks she has created called Mark. She befriends him and their relationship becomes stonger as the dreams become darker and scarier. The UK has a rather bare bones version but no DVD in the US. The last (hopeful) inductee is Masterminds (1997), a great Die-Hard knockoff set at a prestigious school, where security chief Raif Bentley (Patrick Stewart) has taken control, planning to take the children of the 10 richest people hostage, and hold them for a ransom of $650 million. A former student (Vincent Kartheiser), who just dropped by to drop off his little sister, is trapped inside, and using his hacker skills must free the school from Bentley’s grasp. These movies deserve DVDs (as my VHS copy of Masterminds is wearing out, and the MST3K DVD of Mitchell has no uncut version sans commentary).
Carlson writes:First off…love the column. Never before have I seen a better list of truly awe-inspiringly bad movies that I so fondly remember from my days as a yard monster.Secondly…while skimming through the ‘CINESCHLOCK-O-RAMA’S MOST WANTED’ I couldn’t help but notice one of my all-time 80’s favorites, namely Just One of the Guys.However as much of a true classic of campy ‘crap cinema’ as ‘Guys’ is, the film cannot hold a candle to the sheer gleeful lunacy of 1986’s MODERN GIRLS.Also starring that Hero Among Men, Clayton Rohner.In case you can’t recall this one…it’s a slice of life tale of the vapid, neon-colored L.A. singles scene in which two night time party dolls (quintessential 80’s babes Daphne Zuniga and Cynthia Gibb) hoodwink a hapless, sweater sportin’ driving instructor (The People’s Rohner) into driving them to and fro under the guise of helping him look for their coked up gal pal (Virginia Madsen, adding the required ‘blond’ to the mix) who he somehow scored a date with earlier in the week at her job in a pet store.But while that synopsis alone could stop most modern cinema dead in its tracks, what really cements the film’s greatness is the subplot involving Cindy Gibb’s character fallin’ for shitty 80’s British nu metal icon Bruno X, also playing by God Rohner complete with over-styled hair and fool Billy Idol accent.All while the straight-laced Rohner gets some deep soul lovin’ from the "bitchy" Zuniga in the movie’s required standard/sub-standard ‘true love’ emotional core.Course the "zany" slapstick-y rescue from an attempted rape in a fountain third act smackdown fills my heart with warm feelings too.I write you all this in hopes of correcting the woeful injustice of not including the film in the famed’Most Wanted’ list alongside not only ‘Just One of the Guys,’ but also that other Clayton Rohner classic among the greats…’The Kid With The 200 I.Q.’Yes, that’s Rohner standing among the evil frat punks who marvel at Gary Coleman’s Defender skils.Also would like to toss out a sizeable shout-out to YET ANOTHER Clayton Rohner masterpiece, 1988’s DESTROYER.Which just happens to feature his ‘April Fool’s Day’ co-star, Queen 80’s Cult Cinema Deborah Foreman.I know…I have problems.
Memory lane
Will writes: I’m a big fan of your Cineschlock column, and was excited to read in your Chiller Theatre piece that Sledge Hammer! was on the way on DVD. I really enjoyed this show, and I can’t wait to see it again. Keep up the good work, I’ve been reading your stuff since you used to run The Fake News. I’d also like to make a recommendation. If you haven’t seen Darkwolf yet, run to your nearest video store. How can you not like a film with Kane Hodder, unbelievably bad special effects, and a completely superflous lesbian scene with the girls painted to look like werewolves?
The Equalizer
Jack writes: I have been wanting this for years. I only saw about 15 episodes altogether, but that’s enough to know how great a show it was. And my father would be particularly happy, too. I remember my father telling me about one episode where McCall was talking with an alcoholic who saw demons running around doing their jobs, and who had seen hell, too. Many would dismiss that as just the rantings of a drunken stupor, but the description I heard was particularly stirring. Of course, one would have to believe in hell and satan and all that, too. So, where do we start to drum up interest in getting this out on DVD?
More Chiller chatter
Bob writes: Hey! Your photos and coverage of the CHILLER made me feel as though I’d been there. Oh, wait…I was. Saturday! I was showing my pix (well, the ones my best friend took of me meetingMargot Kidder, Noel Neill, and Marc Singer, to name a few) around at work today, coincidentally, and to get to read your reportage this afternoon was a real treat – and thanks for supplying a link to that terrific clay miniaturist – could you believe his rendition of "Dr. Julia Hoffman?" it was only my budget haunting me that kept me from bringing her home.
Gurgle, Gurgle, Gurgle
Shannon writes: The interview with Austin Pendleton (who I swear I thought was dead, since I haven’t seen him on film in a while!) was one of the more enjoyable interviews I’ve read online recently. Great job!
Slay bells ring …
Davey writes: I read your review on the new Anchor Bay dvd of Silent Night Deadly Night Part 1 and 2. I noticed the running time for part one is listed as 85 minutes.My unrated Vhs copy lists the running time as 92 minutes, is this a mistake?My understanding is the new Dvd version is the most uncut version available. I’ve yet to buy the dvd, i’m having a hard time finding in stores so i will probably order it online.
Texas Chainsaw Cha-ching!
John writes: [Regarding column promo: "Whilst Ms. Jessica jiggles for her life in the dead-on-arrival retread … "] Whoever was stupid enough to make this comment, must not have seen the movie. So, why make stupid comments when they come back and bite you in the ass with a number #1 ranking, and $30 Million in three days? I really like your column, but try not to put your foot in your mouth before a film is released!
Texas Chainsaw Road Trip
Scott writes: I’ve been reading and enjoying your CineSchlock-O-Rama writing for awhile but finally felt compelled to write and say kudos for your Texas Chainsaw Massacre Road Trip. Great stuff. I really enjoyed it and sent the link to about 20 people. Thanks for the entertainment.Have a great Halloween!
TexasChainsawMassacre.net’s Tim Harden writes: Thanks SO MUCH for the great article!!!! It’s absolutely wonderful! I just posted a link to a copy of the article to my news section. I really enjoyed the way you wrote it, the pictures, and everything. Just absolutely wonderful. I’m seriously considering framing the copy yougave me. I really appreciate what you’ve done. It’s priceless! If there’s anything I can do for you at some point in time, please let me know. It turned out AWESOME!!!
Legacy of laughter
Jeff Pillars writes: I was doing a little wandering down memory lane and saw your kind wordsabout my dear friend, Jim Varney. I co-wrote "Ernest in the Army" and played the General.I have wonderful memories of Jim and was pleased to see your kind words. Ithank you. And I know that somewhere, Jim thanks you.
Informed shopper
John writes: Howdy,…been a loyal fan for a couple of years now, before a purchase (I’ll rent most anything if it looks semi-entertaining) I’ll recall what you said about a particular title before plunking down the hard-earned cash. I have yet to be disappointed in a title you’ve recommended. Recently, your review of ‘Once Bitten‘ got my interest piqued to see Jim Carrey as a vampire?! The result was an entertaining little Halloween flick, and as always watching to see what Jim will do next (and what has happened to his brunette girlfriend from the movie? She actually removed my attention for a few minutes from Ms. Hutton) One last thing, Noel: I really enjoyed your convention coverage a while back. After having recently attended the Horrorfindweekend in Maryland, my first horror convention ever, I have become really interested in the convention circuit. Do you attend a lot of them, or maybe some roving Shlock reporter could attend them for you and give feedback? Just a thought, I’m sure both maintaining your top-quality reviews and doing your regular career you have enough on your plate but thought I’d mention it maybe other readers are interested?
Kim-miseration
Harry writes: From what has to be legions of "24" fans who have "intuited" from very nearthe start of the first season that "Kim" was a dead-end character, I thankyou profusely for your insightful review of the second season as viewedthrough her august persona!Not only is your review well written but so very true.My feeling for sometime now is that the writers quickly figured out that hercharacter was a mistake and now use her for low-level comedic relief tobreak the ongoing tension of the show and a temporary, mindless respite forthemsleves.Your column will become an icon for those of us who would want to see herpainful demise but would miss her terribly if that were to happen.Could possible institutionalization by her father for her own good and thesafety of the Free World be on the horizon?Maybe then she could break out after two years and have an affair withSydney Bristow!Great work and very much appreciated.
Elvis lives! … and has voicemail
Stephen writes: Hey Noel, nice subversive link to Bubba Ho-Tep in your last column [For a good time call: (310) 228-3665]. I’m dying to see this and hope it gets at least some distribution outside of major centres.
Rotten Core
Joe writes: What the f@#%? How could you give The Core three and a half stars? This was by far one of the biggest pieces of garbage I’ve ever sat through. The script was atrocious and the acting did little to save it.
May wins friends
Ricardo writes: I just wanted to say thank you for recommending "May." My brother and I (big fans of all fine garbage) rented it yesterday and we were absolutely amazed! I mean, what a great movie! So twisted, so sick and yet so intelligent and well-made. It reminded me of the early works of John Waters. The almost unknown cast and the weird and unique style more than make up for the "lightness" of the story’s development. I recommended this movie to all my friends. I also recommend your column, thanks to which I also "discovered" precious little gems like "Ginger Snaps" and "Dog Soldiers," two new cult favorites that could’ve just been collecting dust on the lower shelves of my local Blockbuster Video. Keep up the good work, man!
The drive-in will never die!
Anthony writes: I was reading through your emails when I came across the one about the demolished theater in Dallas. Made me take a trip on the Way Back Machine. My Mother, Sister and I lived in a little town in west Texas called Lamesa during the times my Father would go off to fight in Vietnam. There is a Drive-in theater there called, well, I don’t know the name and I am too lazy to look it up. It is still in operation. I spent many an evening there. I would go and play on the playground just in front of the screen while I watched the movie. There is one movie that made an intense impression on me. It was a spy/sci-fi hybrid about some secret agent that discovered something so terrible that he completely lost all memory about it. So they recreated his childhood home to give him a safe place and proceeded to try and unlock his memory. I don’t remember much about the movie, except for the premise and it’s climax. Some kind of fight on-board a helicopter (I think it is in flashback and they are dosing the hero with an LSD-like drug to "open" his memories) where the bad guy screams out the secret before he falls to his death. He has vials of smallpox that he is going to release all over the world. Now that scared me then, when I was a child and the idea still scares me as an adult. I have seen the official WHO (World Health Organization) recommendations for a smallpox outbreak. They showed it in the film Virus (which I have never seen except in trailers). No one leave the area. Period. And if the local country’s government can’t do, others will. Way before it’s time in story. However, it was your classic drive-in fodder. I don’t remember the film’s name. Maybe you and your fans could help? We went to a lot of drive-ins while we lived in Texas. I used to watch the other screens at the multiplex at Dallas Stadium (?) while everyone else in the car watched the Disney film. My parents once took us to a drive-in double bill of The Good, the Bad and the Ugly and 2001, a Space Odyssey. Only in Texas! Keep up the good work.
Tasty surprise
Craig writes: Thank you for the heads up on the redhead. Definitelyan eye-catcher. I’ve been watching Squirm on TVand cable for years and never saw THAT scene.
House of 1000 Snores
BTLfan writes: I generally agree with you on your reviews. They’re always insightful and specific, without giving away too many plot points. But your review of "House of 1,000 Corpses" was way off. Did we see the same movie? Because the movie I saw was the lamest horror movie to come out in at least a decade. Seriously, the most entertaining part of this DVD was the trailer for "May", which was an exquisite movie that didn’t get a major release, but was 100 times better than Zombie’s piece of garbage. To me, a horror film should first make you care about the people involved. To this day, "Dawn of the Dead" is my favorite horror movie, because Romero spent time developing the characters before unleashing the horror. The characters in Rob Zombie’s movie were so one-dimensional they were almost transparent. Also, I found nothing "visceral" about this movie. A lot of strobe lights, split-screens and cackling is annoying, not visceral. "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" was an unnerving experience, because it was so incredibly lo-fi, you felt you were experiencing it for real, like a documentary. I think you’re doing a disservice, recommending this movie. I wasted 4 dollars on it, and I’m telling everyone I know to give it a wide berth. It’s not even worth 4 cents. I feel embarassed for Sid Haig, Karen Black and Michael J. Pollard. They all deserve a lot better than this, and so does the audience.