Crocodile 2: Death Swamp

Crocodile 2: Death SwampOn the fuzzy heels of his gloriously gooey CineSchlocker fave Spiders, budding creature auteur Gary Jones proves, like the great Tobe Hooper before him, that it’s REAL easy to lay a crocodile egg.

This outing, bank robbers hijack a party plane headed for Acapulco that meets further misfortune when it’s clobbered by lightening and conveniently pancakes in a SWAMP so treacherous the natives named it after Beelzebub himself. At a half-hour into the flick, this crash is mighty fortuitous for our toothy main attraction who draws the survivors’ celebration to a ferocious halt by CHOMPING their shreiking pilot. The aforementioned toughs (led by Darryl Theirse) hastily ventilate this offending beastie in a hail of lead that scatters croc handbags in all directions. Our heroic stewardess (Heidi Noelle Lenhart) and pals are then forced to haul the bad guys’ ill-gotten bounty through miles of icky swampage at gunpoint until another, BIGGER critter comes a-looking for vengeance one human combo meal at a time.

CineSchlockers should avoid groping for connections to the original. There ain’t any. Except for the recycled love-on-the-rocks plot device and how charmingly cheesy the motionless, phony croc looks being pulled through the water, especially compared to the brilliantly-absurd acrobatics of its CGI sibling.

No breasts. 21 corpses (plus an ill-fated 737 jet). Killer creature cam. Gratuitous slow mo. Multiple gun battles. Mickey slipping. Copter gobbling. Gratuitous Mexican standoff — IN — Mexico. Wisearce lawyer foolishly sasses heavy with RITE and LEFT tattooed (a.k.a. magic markered) on his knuckles, "I take it you took the SHORT bus to school, my friend!"