Reviews

Goldilocks and the Three Bares

Also see H.G. Lewis Goreography

Goldilocks and the Three BaresHere lies, bare bosomed in the sun, one of only TWO known "nudie musicals" with the other, Sinderella and the Golden Bra, rounding out a devilish double feature. This mercenary project, for which Lewis and Friedman were enlisted by Chicago theater-owner-turned-producer Thomas Dowd, explores the tale of a lovesick lounge singer who’s crushed when his honey reveals herself as a weekend NUDIST! Being the money man, Dowd naturally had a wish list for Lewis, which included making a crooning heartthrob of NINE-FINGERED yard man Rex Marlow (his left middle finger missing at the knuckle). Tom also wanted the nudist camp where Allison Louise "Bunny" Downe was to do her fleshy frolicking to boast yachting and HORSEBACK RIDING. Never mind how REAL sun worshipers recreate. Just imagine Bill Kerwin‘s discomfort when he barebacks as Marlow’s cartoonish sidekick!!! What a pro.

Notables: 33 breasts. Giant novelty sunglasses. Gratuitous apocalyptic newspaper headline. Lengthy snail-speed car chase. Gratuitous prize-fighter Joey Maxim (who wears his script on his sleeve).

Quotables: Kerwin yelps, "Boy, you girls sure are sensitive about nudism!" Eddie knows how to charm the ladies, "Say, that’s the first time you ever smiled at me. I like it. Can I have an encore if I buy you a hamburger?" Myrna can’t abide fast women, "I can see a girl has to take her clothes off to get YOUR attention!"

Time codes: First glimpse of nekkidness (21:13). Spectacularly buoyant bathing beauty (33:46). The gal who typed the script for Blood Feast disrobes (47:50). Flick’s title finally sneaks its way into the dialogue (1:05:30).