If originality were par, Golfballs! (1999, 87 minutes) would be doomed before even leaving the clubhouse. But its cast and crew’s sheer will to entertain — at any cost — produces more than enough juvenile giggles to prove the flick worthwhile. Penthouse Pet Amy Lynn Baxter doesn’t hurt either. At the time she made this picture in sunny Florida, Amy was a frequent guest of admirer and radio horndog Howard Stern, while more recently, the can-tastic actress has been seen peddling penis pills on late-night TV. CineSchlockers are encouraged to make up their own jokes here.
The movie: It’s a mighty familiar story. A mean-nasty Greedy Gus (Dan Barkley) can’t be content with his booming Bentwood Country Club. No, he’s gotta crush his struggling neighbor, the Pennytree Golf Club, just so he can bulldoze the joint and build condos. Then one day Liberty Pennytree (Christy Tummond) innocently bends over in her Daisy Dukes to pick up a golfball and gives a massive coronary to the dirty ol’ duffer who’d paid handsomely for her caddy services. Her momentary cloud of grief is broken when she realizes that raw sex appeal may well be the key to Pennytree’s salvation. In comes brainiac bombshell Barbara (Amy Lynn) and other buxom beauties who draw bus loads of frisky golfers to play the links and soak up the sudsy scenery in the new topless "cart wash." Greg Logenhagen is the Poindexter lackey from Bentwood whose loyalties are challenged when his libido is awakened while spying on the sultry shenanigans at Pennytree. John Sheffield provides running commentary and gags throughout the flick as Sonar a scuba-diving ball recovery expert. Eventually, things boil down to an extremely time-honored plot device, a thrilling tournament for all the marbles. But like everything else in this sucker, they keep it just goofy enough to be entertaining. Oh! And there’s a flatulent Chihuahua!!!
CineSchlockers interested in ogling more of Ms. Lynn’s body of work should pick up Seduction Cinema’s In the Flesh: The New York Strip Scene. The hour-long documentary takes a "G-String Divas" look at erotic dancers. It’s pretty enlightening, but the real reason to snag the disc is for its generous extras. Namely "oil" and "shower" shows by Amy. Plus, a real gem, the HILARIOUS feature debut of CineSchlocker fave John Bacchus (a.k.a. Zachary Winston Snygg) in Blood Bullets Buffoons. Amy plays a seductive Russian crime boss and the "girlfriend" of the flick’s unlikely hero, uber-geek Jack Winston (Bacchus).
Notables: 28 breasts. Cussin’ grannies. Multiple rackings. Circulating flyers montage. Gratuitous shower scene. One inflate-a-date. Spit takes. Gratuitous urination of excessive duration. Cat fighting. Gratuitous nekkid photo shoot. Geek rock band. Diddling. Face licking. Atomic wedgie. Cherry stem origami. Electrocution. Peeping.
Quotables: Boisterous high-rollin’ golfer introduces himself, "Beauford B. Beauford. My mama was a stutterer." Amy emotes, "I like to think of golf as a lot like sex. You’ve got a long, hard stick with a big head. And you just can’t wait to spank that naughty little ball. But in order to achieve the desired explosion you must have patience, touch AND confidence."
Time codes: Many, many flotation devices are available poolside (6:15). Lovely Liberty has a randy brainstorm (12:44). The infamous cart wash (20:05). Amy finally gets topless (33:33). The proposal (50:30). Simulated something or another with Popsicle (1:10:28). Wacky Cannonball Run-esque outtakes (1:17:30).
Final thought: Charming, often laugh-out-loud funny ode to countless other screwball sex comedies. Amy Lynn is delish.