Long before Ah-nold first rumbled his trademark, "All be bah-k," he was almost assured of NEVER coming back — to the big screen. The herculean lad from Austria had no sooner reached American soil when showbiz folk came calling, "Son, do ya wanna be in pictures?" To which Schwarzenegger grunted, "Yah. Ah-nold LIKE moo-vee." And a star was born. Well, not quite. His first role was in Hercules in New York (1970, 92 minutes, a.k.a. Hercules Goes Bananas). After shooting, it was decided that Arnold’s accent was too incomprehensible for U.S. audiences, so he was dubbed. Not only that, his last name was changed to a then more marquee-friendly "Strong" in the credits. His performance was SO notable that his star didn’t really rise for another 12 years when he got the lead in Conan the Barbarian — and THAT came from the success of the bodybuilding docu-epic Pumping Iron.
The movie: Arnold is, of course, Hercules. Tired of lazing around with busty babes like Venus, he whines to papa Zeus, who forbids Herc to amuse himself down on Earth. Naturally he bolts anyway and hijinks ensue. He’s befriended by the constantly-befuddled pretzel-peddler Pretzi (Arnold Stang) as the two flee a tussle with some surly sailors, where Hercules actually pulls the old trick where you smack two guy’s heads together (he even does it again later). Through a series of misunderstandings, the basis of most good comedy, Hercules somehow rises to become a New York City wrestling icon. He sure didn’t get there through Rowdy Roddy Piper-esque oration, because all Arnold ever says is some variation of, "Zeye-am Urk-u-leez!"
Anyway, there’s a little too much plot going on here, but in short, some Mob goons lose money betting on Herc, which is only so there’ll be an excuse to have a chariot vs. car chase through Times Square. The station-wagon-driving mobsters even do donuts in Central Park, carelessly creaming trash bins, just to show how MEAN they are. It’s the classic fish-out-of-water formula, but it works. Mostly because Arnold REALLY IS flopping on the cinematic bank. Especially when he’s rasslin’ that guy in a bear suit. Yep, you heard right.
Notables: Two breasts (Arnold’s). Giant crystal ball. Lightening-bolt hurling. Gratuitous weight-lifting exhibition.
Quotable: Hercules explains why he’s knocking the stuffing out of a fella, "He’s most disagreeable and he has irritated me."
Time codes: Schwarzenegger’s dancing pecks trick (22:45). Chariot rattles through Times Square (1:13:45).
Conclusion: So awful it’s downright brilliant. Stang’s broadly-comical Pretzi is especially zany in this live-action cartoon.