What happens when a porno outfit tries to go legit? Well, you get Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1987, 75 minutes), that’s what. B-auteur Fred Olen Ray was given a budget of less than $60,000 by L.A. Video, and in no longer than a week of shooting, produced a bona fide classic that even debuted at the Egyptian Theatre. Part of his magic formula was bringing in the world’s most famous chainsaw-wielding maniac Gunnar Hansen of Texas Chainsaw Massacre as one of the leads along side B-Queens Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer. But neither they or Fred ever fathomed this strange little flick would become the cult phenomenon it has.
The movie: Our adventure begins with an admonition …
"The CHAINSAWS used in this motion picture are REAL and DANGEROUS! They are handled here by seasoned PROFESSIONALS. The makers of this motion picture advise strongly against anyone attempting to perform these stunts at home. Especially if you are naked and about to engage in strenuous SEX."
Attaboy, Fred. It’s easy to get caught up in the jiggling lingerie and whirring chainsaws, but at its festering little heart, this B-genre gem is really a private eye flick and Jack Chandler (Jay Richardson) is the gumshoe on the case. As we learn through his fantastically cornball voiceovers, it’s when trying to track down a beautiful runaway (Quigley) that Chandler accidently stumbles across an evil cult of chainsaw-worshiping prostitutes and their malevolent gore guru The Stranger (Hansen) who stalk the dingy motels of Los Angeles and gleefully turn Johns into cold cuts. In fact, the gal he’s looking for is in cahoots with the Cuisinart cultists, which unfortunately lands Jack flat on his back on a sacrificial alter as the main course for the Feast of the Dead. But not before Linnea emerges from a coffin and slinks the immortal Virgin Dance of the Double Chainsaws. It’s the stuff of B-legend. CineSchlockers undoubtedly know Mr. Hansen also brandished a saw in Mosquito (1995), which he both co-wrote and starred in.
Notables: 12 breasts. Four corpses. Sucker head butt. Spitting. Fire breathing. Gratuitous David Letterman references. Nekkid dancing. Private dick jokes. Finger stealing. Decorative body paint.
Quotables: Jack Chandler is skeptical of the chainsaw cult, "What do you do, pray to Black and Decker?!" and knows what he likes in a dame, "The kid talked like a Frosted Flake, but she had the nicest set of knockers that I’d seen in a long time." The Stranger scolds Jack for yelping as a knife carves his flesh, "Please Mr. Chandler. Think of the neighbors. They’re trying to sleep." Mercedes (Ms. Bauer) doesn’t take no sass, "Shut your face, HEATHEN!" Drunken whores chant incoherently, "KILL IT TO HIM!!! KILL IT TO HIM!!!"
Time codes: Mercedes covers her Elvis shrine in plastic before setting to work (9:40). Amateur pornographer with a baseball fetish (24:45). Linnea joins the picture (32:10). Can you spot Grace Jones in this set piece? (58:00). Ms. Quigley makes cinematic history (1:02:40).
Final thought: Easily one of the top genre releases of the year.