Do they even make movies in Hollywood anymore? When exactly did the Canadians take over the movie business? Until recent years our Northern neighbor’s major exports were comedians, hockey players and pizza toppings. Now they churn out cheaper TV shows and movies like Premonition (1998, 93 minutes, aka. Convergence). But, don’t worry fellas, y’all can blame this stinker on the dog.
The movie: There’s a plane crash in Seattle with only one survivor — a little girl. Flash forward 14 years and meet Morley Allen (Christopher Lloyd) a dreary tabloid reporter looking for his next alien baby, or three-headed dog story. He’s shadowed by Ali Caine (Cyndy Preston) who claims to be a cub journalist looking to learn the ropes from a pro. But during her off hours, she strips dern-near nekkid in public and sobs uncontrollably. If that weren’t wacky enough, ashtrays explode in her presence and even her man tosses her out cuz she’s just, like, a bummer, dude. Only her work with Morley seems to keep her on an even keel. They track down a mental patient who predicted the exact time of death of two people. The kid flips out when he sees Ali and after a bunch of theatrics tells her when SHE is going to die. Unfortunately, it isn’t soon enough. There’s a lot of yammering about "what it all means," but they’re referring to "life" when they SHOULD be asking themselves what the devil THE MOVIE THEY’RE IN is about. It all boils down to how all the characters are interrelated and some mumbo jumbo about ley lines of energy that crisscross the globe. When these lines intersect, weirdness occurs, which is supposed to explain all the supernatural junk that happens. Or at least that’s how the Yoda-meets-Shaft fella (Blu Mankuma) explained it to an exceedingly bewildered Morley. Fans of the "Highlander" TV series will recognize Adrian Paul as coroner Brady Traub — even with that ridiculous mustache.
Notables: One poorly-lit breast. Five corpses. 14 cups of coffee. Multiple diddling. Puking. Phony exorcism. Gratuitous laundromat scenes. Gorging. Multiple explosions.
Quotables: Ali doesn’t want Brady’s condolences for T.K.’s death, "How would you know how I feel!? You f@#%ed her once. She was my best friend!" And after Ali beds Brady, she drops the hammer, "I think we should just be friends." Morley earns his Mr. Sunshine nickname, "If people knew the real truth about things, they’d never get up in the morning." Among the tabloid headlines: "Girl genius plays Beethoven … before she talks / TV evangelist makes entire congregation millionaires as money rains from the sky / Statue of Virgin Mary cries blood."
Time codes: Radio transmission from Art Bell‘s Dreamland (18:06). Frantic monkey love (23:40, but for a better showcase of Rachel Hayward‘s talents rent the 1985 teen-sex comedy Breaking All the Rules). Ali kinks up with some razor play in the bedroom (39:50).
Final thought: Fumbling spook tale that never quite pays off, unless the goal is drowsiness and utter confusion.