What’s New? (Friday the 13th, My Bloody Valentine 3D, Cold Prey)

Three flicks — all featuring homicidal maniacs with an unnatural affinity for really, really pointy things. Ah, Freud would be amused.

Friday the 13th is BACK in multiplexes this weekend, which come to think of it, isn’t all that surprising considering The Big Guy returned for his ninth sequel IN SPACE and an overly ballyhoo’d grudge match against Freddy Krueger. Yet from the exceedingly vicious opening reel, CineSchlockers will readily recall why this murderous mama’s boy holds a special spot in our little black hearts. Boy howdy, does Jason ever have his machete mojo back — and then some. Big as a house. Faster than Willa Ford popping her top. Mean as hell. Jason Voorhees is truly a bad motherf@#%er in what’s easily the best of the recent rash of remakes. Definitely see this sucker with an audience.

As undeniably memorable as the aforementioned Ms. Ford’s topless water skiing on Crystal Lake is, Betsy Rue bests that spectacle in a SIX-MINUTE birthday-suit brouhaha inside and outside a midget-managed no-tell motel in My Bloody Valentine 3D. Goes right up there with Linnea Quigley doing her hippy, hippy shake atop a tombstone in Return of the Living Dead. Best of all, both tapping AND kicking ass au natural was Betsy’s idea. Take that Susie Strasberg!

Finally, by way of Norway, a deranged Yukon Cornelius whets his ice axe with castoffs from The Hills: Oslo Edition. (That’s right, ICE axe. Not to be confused with The Miner’s pick axe or Jason’s double-headed lumber liquidator.) Unfortunately, CineSchlockers unseduced by Cold Prey‘s breathtaking Scandinavian mountain vistas or suspense-over-substance pacing will no doubt wonder if the first human Popsicle is ever gonna get popped.