Critical Mass 1

The crush of schlocky goodness arriving at CineSchlock-O-Rama HQ has long since outpaced yours truly’s ability to trumpet it all, so here’s a scattershot means to highlight titles that particularly pique MY interest …

Girls on Bulls proudly purports to showcase bar babes who "hop on top, hold on tight and ride real hard!!!" Great idea? Maybe if the yawn-inducing hour of barely bouncing bosoms weren’t saddled with a bafflingly lethargic mechanized bovine or the spastic hamster editing hijinks and criminal camera work didn’t seem purposefully orchestrated to spoil this opportune ogling opportunity. The result: Urban Cowgirls Gone Mild.

Seduction Cinema’s funny bone splintered just after the bazzillionth fart joke in Lord of the G-Strings. More than a year later, the mending’s finally begun thanks to The Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing‘s giggle-wrought writing and a slathering of rejuvenative sapphic salve by comely newcomer Erika Smith and B-goddess Darian Caine. Let’s hope mysterioso honcho Mike Raso (a.k.a. Michael Beckerman) signs the same checks for his studio’s next Tee-hee-and-A spoof!

All the sadists in da house say: "Owww!!!!" [OWWW!!!] Mark of the Devil is a dungeon dweller’s delight with every conceivable torture device demo’d by 18th century witchfinders to the vaguely artful peril of many a nubile wench. Among oodles of shrieking extras is an interview with CineSchlocker idol Udo Kier in his native tongue. Don’t worry, he gets to keep it! Even after getting downright snippy when his 10-minute Q&A goes 20.

Killer Nun sounds like more fun than it is — mostly because Swedish siren Anita Ekberg made the unholy nunsploitation relic about 20 years too late. Although, between the mother’s less-than-superior murders, our frau’d La Dolce Vita vixen DOES endure fleeting sister-on-sister advances by Italian Playboy Playmate Paola Morra.

A moment of silence please. There’s a critter classick crammed alongside EIGHT flicks on Rhino’s Horrible Horrors Collection: Vol. 2. That’d be Bill Grefe‘s immortal rattlesnake revenge sssssensation Stanley. Looks like an oft-duped TV cut too! Sadly, those sainted samaritans at Something Weird Video can’t save ’em all.

"You make me do this!," breast auteur Fred Olen Ray half-jokingly apologizes. No more cheeseball saxophones. No more foggy lenses. Today’s late-night cable market demands panting, grinding, Sock ‘n’ Band-Aid larks such as The Erotic Dreams of Jeannie. In fact, Fred’s commentary is dern near a State of the Union address to B-fiends explaining, among other trends, just why we’ll be seeing a lot more of "pros" like Nicole Sheridan.

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