Once Bitten

Once BittenThis teen sex comedy celebrates Halloween with Lauren Hutton as a middle-age vampirette who’s gotta sink her pearlies into a virgin — three times — to invoke some sort of kinkified fountain of youth and avoid the shrivel of her actual years. Except being a GIRL bloodsucker she deviates from customary neck to, gulp, nether noshing!

It’s Jim Carrey‘s groin that’s in peril in this thinly veiled allegory for HERPES, though it’s really the junior ice cream man’s own goldang fault for stepping out on his knees-together high school honey (Karen Kopins) to troll for Hollywood bar sluts with his geekazoid pals. After straying, he begins to exhibit vampiric tendencies such as a newfound taste for raw burgers and hissing at any neighborhood tikes who dare ask for Push Pops. Naturally his girlfriend begins to wise to this Count Chocula-esque transformation, and after a little research, enlists those aforementioned horndog buddies to eyeball any telltale evidence on his loins while the trio shower after gym class.

Speaking of homoeroticism, Blazing Saddles legend Cleavon Little schools Jimbo on scene hogging as Ms. Hutton’s fussy sidekick. That’s not to say shades of ol’ Rubberface aren’t evident — such as his random Robert Deniro mimicry or the winner-take-balls dance off where Mr. Carrey plays his own leg like an air guitar. CineSchlockers will appreciate the cruel irony that first-time screenwriter Jeffrey C. Hause, who’d dropped out of college to rewrite his "Nightlife" with partner Dave Hines, was teased mercilessly by Sam Goody coworkers when the flick landed on video shelves within six months of release: "See that guy vacuuming the carpet over there? He wrote it!!!"

No breasts. Giant novelty phone. Gratuitous music video sequence featuring a hottie walking a LION on a leash. Old lady shoving. Blood guzzling. Hypnotic staring. Tumble-dried dork. Button biting. The future 20 Million Dollar Man whines: "I don’t want to be a vampire! I’m a DAY person!!!"