All the Love You Cannes!

What begins earnestly as "an indie’s guide to the Cannes Film Festival" violently swerves head-on into a Croisette staging of the theatre d’absurde — an apt thumbnail of most Troma productions, actually, barring the glam locale. CineSchlocker icon Lloyd Kaufman begins this crude docu-comedy with such serviceable advice for fledgling filmmakers as pilfering airline muffins […]

Alien Files

Agent Mulder of "The X-Files" has only one real passion — other than chasing little green fellas — and that’s his unquenchable thirst for porno. Mulder’s video library likely runs a little raunchier, but there’s a Skinemax flick causing quite a stir among fans called The Alien Files (1998, 100 minutes, aka. Alien Erotica: The […]

AVP: Alien vs. Predator

What a colossal missed opportunity. Director Paul W.S. Anderson showed surprising flair with Resident Evil, yet when his self-described "fanboy" ode to the Alien and Predator (but mostly Alien) franchises drops trou, it’s pretty much Wilted Willie City. How does one fritter away a dern-near ingenious backstory, the dizzyingly inspired casting of CineSchlocker heartthrob Lance […]

Among Us

"B" is for Bigfoot when prolific B-auteur Billy D’Amato (Bob Dennis) squeezes out guy-in-an-ape-suit after guy-in-an-ape-suit flick until his own hairy experience forces an uneasy reconciliation with the witness (Hunter Mackenzie Austin) whose story he’d mangled into his first Sasquatch sensation. Together, with a geekazoid cryptozoologist (Jon McBride), they hole up in a cabin and […]

Axe

Some exhibitors dubbed this flick the California Axe Massacre in an attempt to exploit the success of a certain increasingly notorious movie released the same year. They weren’t entirely cracked. Both pictures illustrate the dangers city folk face when they wander too far into rural America. Each feature catatonic patriarchs, damsels in distress and implements […]

Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid

Believe it or not, Anaconda was a pretty goldang important movie! Not because it starred J-Lo or featured Jon Voight inexplicably aping Al Pacino‘s "Say jell-o to my rittle fren!" accent from Scarface. Rather it was essentially the Scream of its genre by sparking an absolute CRUSH of creature features. But unlike the neuvo slasher, […]

Autopsy

They sent me a couple I-Talian pictures to check out. And one good thing about foreign movies is that their scream queens WILL get nekkid on ya in a hurry. The first of the gruesome twosome is Torso, followed by Autopsy (1973, 100 minutes). Both flicks, shot in and near Rome, feature lots of skin […]

American Psycho

Oooooo! Ooooo! Is this the UNRATED version!?! Ooooo! Gimme! Gimme that sweet UNCUT version! Woooooo! No. It isn’t. Now sit down and listen. LISTEN! The previous Unrated and R-rated discs from Universal are out of print and Lion’s Gate has reintroduced the flick, although, only in its R-rated form. But! But! But! Hold it! LISTEN! […]

Assault on Precinct 13

It’s cowboys vs. savages. Living dead vs. Brains in John Carpenter‘s first and supreme seige picture. Austin Stoker stars as one of LA’s finest sent to babysit Precinct 13 (actually number nine) on its final night of service smack in the middle of Gang Central Station. Like waves of Zulu warriors, street toughs out to […]